Dear Diary,

Yesterday I didn't go to the gym, but I did go to the pt job. I did very little, even though I do have a pile of projects to work on- mostly filing and reconciling. I guess I just haven't felt like doing much there.

Everyone who works there is pretty laid back, myself especially, of course. I don't even think my boss much cares what happens- as long as the owner is not on her all the time. But there are major money problems right now, mainly that the company bank account might be overdrawn on Monday. That's because nobody bothers to ever check if there's any money, and the owner just keeps spending and spending like he's a rockstar (which, I assure you, he is not).

Oh well. I guess we'll just see what happens, right? I left at about 5pm and went home and slept from 6pm to 11pm. I had something to eat and then went back to bed until about 9:30 this morning. I guess I had a lot of dreaming to do. I was feeling pretty okay, at least like I'd had some sleep. I had started to attack a pile of stuff in the corner, and putting things in boxes to be given away, when Petra called.

I haven't spoken to Petra at all since about February or so, and my last communication involved her leaving me a voicemail apologizing for what happened with Alphie, and me leaving her a voicemail saying thanks for the apology and she really didn't have to explain because I figured things out.

Our conversation was light at first, we were talking about various things in life. I was sure not to ask about Michael and not to go too into depth about anything. Finally Petra said, "I wanted to thank you for accepting my apology." And I thanked her for apologizing, said we really didn't have to talk about it, but apparently Petra needed to talk about it. She said that she had heard my story and other stuff FROM GRACE- Alphie's girlfriend of seven years- so when Michael asked Petra if she would recommend Alphie to anyone, Petra hemmed and hawed and when Michael pushed her to explain why she was hesitating, she just said she heard some stuff and maybe Alphie was not a good choice. Then when they were on vacation and they ran into Alphie, of course Michael felt compelled to tell him everything and he tried to force Petra to do it, but she wouldn't so Michael apparently told Alphie stuff and I guess that was already semi-twisted, and Alphie probably twisted it more.

So there was some relief there in hearing how it all went down, but there was still something that was bothering me. I decided to be brave and ask Petra about it. I asked her about what Alphie supposedly told Marie- that she and Michael said I was miserable and "hard to be around" during my visit- was that true? Because I felt like we had had a good time. Petra said, oh my GOD, we LOVED seeing you, that is not true-- but it clicked for her and she said, "listen, let me tell you something about Alphie. His brain is not right ever since he had those seizures, and he gets all confused about the past and the present. When you were here years ago, Michael did say that it was hard to be around you because you were so depressed- you had just broken up with M. It didn't bother me, but Michael was bothered by it. And he probably told Alphie. But Alphie gets stuff all confused in his brain, he can't remember things that I tell him things all the time or sometimes he is texting me about stuff that we have already talked about and he has no memory whatsoever.... so he's pulling something up from years ago. But we loved having you here- me and Michael both- he thought it was so sweet that you brought us gifts, and wished he wasn't in such a bad mood those first couple of days you were here..."

When she told me that I felt a HUGE sense of RELIEF in my body because now at least I felt like I could trust her- I don't know why that seemed more important than all the crap about Alphie, but it did. We finished up our conversation (she had to go and then she called me back about an hour later) and I was just in general feeling much better. Aside from being reassured about how my friend Petra felt about me, it also helped to get another perspective on Alphie, from someone who actually has had a lot more contact with him, and knows how messed up he can be. On top of being a rigid narcissist, now he has brain damage (seriously) which affects his memory! Is there any worse person to have an argument with???

After this conversation with Petra I felt like I had lost ten pounds. I washed my huge pile of dishes, put some tchotchkes in a box. Went for a walk. House still feels overwhelming but I have been pulling cards for weeks that say, take baby steps! So that is what I'm doing. I called my web-girl because I need to figure out some stuff. And I called the woman who runs the work-study program I want to get into when I leave here. She answered right away and said she'd be thrilled to have me in the program (pointing out that she gets hundreds of applications but she would accept me because she knows me- how lucky am I!!!). For the first time in years I feel excitement and like I am looking forward to something!!

So my plan is to go there by the end of the year... this means I have to save up money...

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