Dear Diary,

The other day I was slightly tricked (for a minute) into believing I had lost 10 pounds. My mom's scale said so, but I kept getting on and off, at intervals, because I could just hardly believe it. One, because I had only just weighed myself a week ago, and I have been holding steady at, ahem, a certain weight since the summer (when I was completely shocked as to how much I weighed!!). Two, although I seem to have lost a lot of inflammation, and have thinned out a bit on top and certain places in my legs, I don't really feel like I've lost that much... I mean, wouldn't it feel... different? A lot different? Turns out the scale was wrong and needed to be adjusted.

Oh well. So I officially weighed myself at the gym and I am just the same. My nutritionist says it is my adrenals, and it will take some time, but if I stay on my diet, it will start to move. I do look forward to that day, because I would like to wear my jeans again- yeah, that would be nice... but in a way I am glad that I wouldn't lose ten pounds and look just the same, that would be, kinda scary!!

So much has been happening here, I've been feeling pretty stressed about being here with my parents, and have had some moments of explosion, where I just can't keep my anger in anymore. Nobody here does anyway, but it's always been my tendency to swallow, swallow, swallow all my anger about how my family doesn't see me and wants me to be who they want me to be, rather than who I am... well, all those years spent packing it down, but for some reason I just can't do it that way anymore. So I feel this intense anger rising up and next thing you know I am shouting, so "out of character" for me, but I feel SO ANGRY all the time... it's all coming out. And you know what? I don't really care that much. My father can handle it, and he actually seems to respect me more when I yell back at him. One can never win with my mom, though, so I don't really think I could ever get ahead on that score.

The bottom line is, now, that I have a car. My dad bought it, and put me on his insurance for one year. I have to pay for gas, and if I cannot take over the insurance in a year, it comes off the road. I didn't ask for this; it all came about because my mother says I was "making her nervous" by asking her what her plans were... she has no experience making boundaries, so she felt I was manipulating her to give me the car, when actually sometimes I was just curious about what she might be up to that day. Or some days I did want to borrow the car but it would have been okay for her to tell me, you know what, I'm gonna say no because I might want to use it later. Anyhow. I had a lot of reservations about my dad spending MORE money on me and feeling like a loser and what is my sister gonna say and on and on, but... now I am trying to look on the bright side and say, ok, I have a car now, that's a lot more freedom, and that enables me to get more work if I want to and go places and it's all gonna be ok. I just have to stay positive. Because otherwise I can feel trapped and like I want to disappear from the planet.

In other news, I received an email from Tim, of Tim and Pam- back in 2010 or so we became friends and went to martial arts together, and one day I came into class and neither one of them would talk to me or look me in the eye and they unfriended me on FB and all of a sudden we weren't friends anymore... not really sure why... but now he sent me an email that felt like a stab even though the words said something like, "I just want you to know that Pam and I are going to be at the lake and neither one of us has any negative feelings toward you..." Well truth be told I do not trust Tim and I don't think he's trying to be friends, it's one of those slippery things like Alphie used to do that goes, "well I have decided to stop punishing you and now we can be friends again because I say so, and I will WILL this relationship into being on my terms, and I am in control." Oh dude, fuck you. I think that was over a week ago I got that email and I haven't responded, although I guess I will just write back something like, thanks for letting me know, I'll see you there. Giving it very little juice or any of my attention.

I have seen X maybe once since her mom died, she has been having such a hard and horrible time. The worst is that she THINKS she should be over her grief and be feeling or acting differently like she is supposed to be "the strong one" in every situation. I keep telling her that's not true but it's one of those ingrained things.

ZZ is her usual self, every month she is convinced that something bad is going to happen. In September she was sure that a "killshot" solar flare was going to take out all the electronic power on the planet, and then in November she said that FEMA was going to shut down the grid. Of course when these things don't happen I don't hear about them again, she just moves on to the next impending disaster. Sometimes it really wears on me, but I know that ZZ is only like that because she was raised like a wild animal and was in survival fight or flight mode for her whole childhood, so that is why she is the way she is. I have to remember not to take her so seriously.

Anyhow, here I am and I have a vehicle, my neighbor told me I can substitute teach if I want and they pay $90 a day, I'm not really sure that I'm qualified but I guess that's not too bad if I am in a jam.

Any positive/supportive comments are welcome since I'm feeling kind of lonely these days.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]