Meeting with CF went surprisingly well. I was expecting a lot of blame and bringing up of past accusations and tried to guard myself against it, but nothing like that happened. Which is shocking, because usually it's the other way around-- I kind of get pulled into believing that THIS time is going to be different, and CF is telling the truth, or being nice, etc., and I get hit with a zinger. I know, I can't believe I can be so naive. I mean, I really KNOW better, don't I?
At any rate, I received the money I was owed, surprise surprise. Now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop!
This weekend I did not feel so well physically. Saw Frank but he was really wiped out from having to work on the weekend. That's okay because even though he did his best to initiate some intimacy (and sex) I felt uncomfortable, just in my own body. Like there was always a problem: his elbow was poking me, he was pulling my hair, he was too heavy, etc. After sex, I just wanted to push him off of me, which is indeed unusual. I figure it must be my period on it's way, and I feel like a bit of a psycho, so I didn't say anything or complain.
Regardless, I have outlined a plan for myself with the whole intimacy thing. Frank expressed that he needs to be "seduced" so I've been trying to think of ways to do that. Granted, I don't want to be the one initiating or carrying the responsibility all of the time, but I guess I shouldn't expect him to gush all over me if I don't do it to him. So here are my goals:
1) send him 1-2 romantic poems per week via email, at least one should be written by me specifically for him.
2) send him a snail-mail card at least once every two weeks.
3) email him one sexual fantasy per week (this way I can maybe spur some of his own fantasies, and at the same time let him know what I like).
Those are weekly goals. Here are other plans.
a) a striptease. I bought pasties some time ago, because we saw an art exhbit featuring women wearing them. Frank is rather conservative, but seemed fascinated by these pasties.
b) a massage. with good oil.
c) pornography?
Hmm... need other ideas.
Don't get me wrong. I've always treated Frank well. When I was working a lot, I'd even bring him flowers or a gift every week. Everything in the second list, I've already tried to do for Frank. My mistake was that I asked first. "Would you like to see me do a little dance for you?" "How about I rub your back?" "Let's get a video!" Each time he would refuse, or say he didn't feel like it right now, or wasn't interested.
I know, you're thinking, is this guy gay? I don't know what it is about Frank. He's not really good at receiving. So I think I shouldn't ask at all. I should wait until he comes over, and just start stripping. Or wait at his place and when he gets home from work, I've got candles lit and the massage stuff all set up, and I just lead him to it (maybe even blindfold him so it will be a surprise). And just pop in the video without warning.
The thing about Frank is that he thinks he doesn't want something, but I can change his mind. He's like a two-year old that just learned the word no, and wants to use it all the time. But he's very easygoing and open to things once he gets going.
I used to ride horses. The horse would want to go one way, and fight me a little bit, and my instructor would always say, "Well, you've just got to change his mind," meaning I had to distract the horse by doing something unexpected, so he would forget his original goal. I guess that's how it is with Frank. Horse-like.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my own spontaneity within this relationship... it was never this way with the ex... stuff would just happen, wild stuff. Suddenly I would just have the urge to tie him to a chair, grind against him and take articles of clothing off one by one. Or I would walk in the door, he would yank my pants down to my ankles, my shirt above my breasts, and start dominating me. I miss that kind of fire.
I was going to say, it seemed like at the beginning of this relationship I had it all: the emotional intimacy, the passionate sex... and now I don't have the sex... but then again, I guess I feel that I don't have either.
That's really sad.
And it's kind of sad that I've made a list, like homework. I guess it's expected in this culture that relationships and love don't really need working on... that if they're real, they will just keep going and going and burning hot. (Yet I don't know how realistic that is either). So I'm sure, someone on the outside might read this and ask if Frank is worth it.
Obviously I think he is. I guess I wish I had a guy's input to know. Most guys I know are not as sensitive as Frank. They probably think we are both a little crazy.
At least, I can always say I tried.
Love,
Duck
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