So. I saw the Ex on Saturday. Of course he didn't call me when he said he would, so I ended up waiting about four hours for him, during which time I cleaned and straightened my apartment. It was typical Ex behavior: we make a plan "call me at twelve," he doesn't do it; I know if I complain he will accuse me of not being spontaneous and I should lighten up. So when he did call, I didn't say anything but he should come out my way, which he agreed to. I didn't figure I should have to do any traveling to meet someone who can't give the courtesy of a phone call.

When he got to my house, though, I forgot all that. The Ex looked good, still slim, well dressed, a decent haircut. We went to a neighborhood restaurant, sat across from each other in the encroaching dusk and candlelight.

As I said, we've known each other many years. We exhausted every topic: his family, my family, some of the past, a little of the present, some ideas about the future. Ex was perfectly polite, skirting the topic of my current romance (which usually provokes him into criticizing me and relationships in general), no sexual innuendo or lewd stares (he tends to undress me with his eyes).

He admitted to being scared to make a move for the future. He's drinking again. He had four glasses of wine with dinner. I hadn't seen him drink in at least 10 years. He also ate both our desserts. When he was sober he never ate any sweets.

He waited till I came back from the restroom to ask how things were going with "the guy", meaning Frank. I told him things were well. He said, that's good, I'm happy for you, you deserve it. Knowing Ex's opinion on exclusive relationships, these words didn't sound like he meant them. He was even kind of smirking when he said them. I appreciated the effort.

We went back to my place, where I showed him all my new furniture and told him about my future decorating plans. He's always been interested in that kind of thing, very knowledgeable about design. I made us some tea, so we would have something to do with our hands. He put so much honey in his cup I thought he was going to start sucking it out of the jar.

He left before Frank came over, claiming it would be too awkward to meet him now. I understood, told him I loved him, and sent him on his way. He lit a cigarette, and I told him, yeah, my boyfriend smokes too, but he lies about it. Ex said, "I like him already."

After he left, I don't know how I felt. A mix of feelings, I guess. So sad for Ex, that he is struggling to get his life together. He is so afraid, and I worry about him drinking again. I just tell him to be careful. He's got a plan to dull his pain. "I'm just gonna drink," he said over his tea. At dinner I took a few Advil for cramps. He said, "What are those? Give me one of those." I was laughing at him. Like they were candy. "Are you in pain?" I joked. He is. Deep pain.

But I saw the effort he made. Saying the right things. Coming here, he had no other plans than to meet up with me. Being on his best behavior. He's alone and he wants a friend.

We always find each other again.

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