I just want to thank everyone who lists me as a favorite diary, because it is extremely flattering, especially at this point in my life. It kind of boggles me, why someone would want to read my diary. But I'm taking it as a compliment, despite being so hard on myself... here at this time where I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

But here's something good I did today. I wrote a memo requesting the time off for the training. As you know, I've already bought the ticket and paid the registration and blah, blah, blah, so I'm definitely going... I just have to go through the charade of asking work for permission first. In reality, it shouldn't be a problem. However BossMan has a rather inflated image of himself, our jobs, and this whole institution, so he usually gives me a pretty hard time about taking time off... like, "...who's going to handle the nuclear warhead when you're not here?" type of attitude, when in actuality we're talking about some sentences that need typing and some envelopes that need licking. I expect this type of resistance but hopefully he will not pull too big of a powertrip and eventually consent.

Otherwise, I'll have a job search on my hands, on top of everything else.

The thought of the intense grooming, self-promotion and fake smiling that looking for a new job requires is enough to make me tired, just sitting here.

BossMan is indeed strange. He once told me he took baths with his dog. I shit you not. I was mildly disturbed. He also seems somewhat sexually repressed, thereby becoming sexually obsessed. If he sees too much skin, you don't know what will happen. I read a lot, as I've mentioned, so I've often got books on the corner of my desk. One time I was in the middle of a collection of short stories, and the cover of the book had a naked baby on it-- not showing any genitalia, mind you... just a naked baby. BossMan stopped by to hand me a paper, and couldn't take his eyes off the book cover... eventually he asked, "What's this about?" undoubtedly hoping it was a story about a naked baby who perhaps grew up into a naked adult, but when I replied it was just a collection of short stories, he seemed confused and a little disappointed, and wandered away.

Sad.

And disturbing.

As previously mentioned.

I am not faking it very well, you know, the whole life-is-normal thing, so I'm wondering if there's some way I can just stop answering my phone (who am I kidding? I meant to say... stop screening my calls and then calling back a week later...) and just pretend I've gone on vacation until May 1st. I know I may seem weird, but I just don't need to tell everyone I know about the state of my union (or non-union, as it were)... because, well, it's sad, and I don't know what to think, and to be blunt I just don't want to hear what I don't want to hear.

I stopped at my friend Simon's last night to return some CDs I borrowed. Simon's all right, he makes jokes about how he's attracted to me, but I've told him in no uncertain terms if he doesn't respect my relationship with Frank, then we will not be friends. So we hang out, but every now and then he'll say something or look at me in some way that lets me know he thinks I'm cute, or sexy, or whatever. The feeling is not mutual. Simon's okay, but he doesn't have the depth and sensitivity that I need in a man. And he's a wild flirt, a drinker and a smoker, a midnight toker, skirt-chaser... whatever.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks me, because he can see I haven't been right for over a week.

I just make something up, about how everything is hard, I'm having a hard time right now, etc.

And of course Simon goes right into a) what I should do to fix it or b) that I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. With people like this, it's no use telling them what the real problem is anyway, because they think people like me are too sensitive and unrealistic. Plus I don't want Simon all up in my face trying to take advantage of the fact that Frank and I are separated... which would just be a big hassle for me. Blinded by his undying affection for me, which, according to him, is only put on hold because I have a boyfriend, it doesn't seem that Simon has ever stopped to consider what my feelings are... no, of course not... he's the type of guy that thinks if he's attracted to the girl, she must be attracted to him. (He's the first-born son in a misogynist family, maybe that has something to do with it). Take, for instance, the issue I had with Sunday night's dancing and the guy rubbing his dick on my leg... Simon insists that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that that's what going out dancing is all about, so if I don't like it I shouldn't go out dancing.

"Simon," I said. "How would you feel if you were standing on the bus and some guy started rubbing his dick on YOUR leg?"

Simon, who is homophobic, looked terrified and upset.

"Exactly." I said.

"Yeah. But that's on a bus. We're talking about dancing," he countered.

"Last time I checked, accepting an invitation to dance was not the same as accepting a dick-rubbing. And as disgusted as you would feel if that happened to you on the bus, that's as disgusted as I feel when it happens UNINVITED."

Who cares, right? I'm talking to a brick wall. He doesn't get it. Why is this person my friend?

Oh yeah. The CDs. Same taste in music. And he has hash. Which I wanted some of. Because I wanted to disappear. Hence the reason I have to sit here and have this stupid conversation.

Anyway. Nothing changes anything. I don't even think the hash worked. I didn't feel any too different.

When friends fail you, and drugs fail you, then what's left?

I'm going home. To be alone. The way I like it.

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