Dear Diary,

I don't really know how to describe this weekend. I went to a wild birthday party. I worked for Talia. I went out to lunch, and I worked for Talia some more.

Sunday I came home early evening and lo and behold, there was another "package" from Frank. Only he didn't mail it, obviously, because it was Sunday. So once again he has driven all the way out to my apartment, with no forewarning, to leave something for me. It was just my textbook and a couple of CDs, in a manila envelope.

This time he'd written on the outside of the envelope. It said:

"Duck,

No, I am NOT afraid of you. Actually, I miss you. Would you like to go to the _____ concert with me? Maybe after your training? Write to me. I hope you are well.

Frank

p.s. I still have a couple more things of yours which I will return soon- sorry."

Huh?

All I was thinking was, why is he doing this to me, what is he thinking? He wants me to write him? Why doesn't he call me on the phone? He asked if he could call me and I said yes-- so why is he pulling this shit? It's like he's trying to coerce me into making the first move. Why doesn't he write ME? What is he, some kind of invisible friend, who just leaves me notes here and there? It's a modern fucking world, he's got three telephones.

I think about writing him-- yeah, I'll write him- one line on a postcard: "Frank, please stop coming by my home unannounced. If you want to be my friend, act like a friend and call me on the phone." or something like that. Part of me wants to write a long-winded letter about how much his stupid-ass behavior is hurting me.

I don't know what to do, so I call Trevor. All I know is that I need a man's point of view on this situation.

What does Trevor think?

First off he says that this is very passive aggressive behavior, and that I just shouldn't respond. So I was right, Frank is just trying to get me to make some kind of move. What Trevor thinks happened is the following: yes Frank was just "stopping" by, but this time he probably rang the doorbell- he was probably being brave this time, because I was so upset last time and Frank could hear that in my voice. Trevor thinks Frank didn't call me first, because he might have been afraid I'd tell him not to come over. This seems to make sense, since the "note" was written right on the envelope and not on a separate piece of paper or typewritten like the note that came with the box of stuff, which was obviously planned ahead of time.

"Don't respond," Trevor said. "Don't reward bad behavior."

It makes me laugh, because it sounds like training a puppy.

"There was a time when you would have responded," Trevor said. "You would have called him by now, after last Sunday. Now he's panicking. Now he really does miss you. But you're not interested in him when he acts like this, so just ignore it. He'll contact you within a week."

My friend Kelly says Trevor is psychic, but I don't know. All I know is it made me feel much better to talk to him- maybe I just needed a man's point of view from the beginning. When I tell my woman friends about this stuff they just get really emotional about it and make me think I should be raging or throwing a fit. Whereas Trevor really threw it in perspective for me-- this isn't about me at all, Frank is playing out some little game with his own psyche, creating drama where there isn't really a need to be. And truthfully, I don't want to be a part of that drama.

I just, at this moment, realized that all this time I have been feeling so out of control. Whenever he has done something, I have reacted in such pain because I'm not making any of the decisions. In this way I'm doing the dance with him-- he's getting some kind of reaction from me-- creating drama between us. Whether he realizes this or not, whether he is doing it consciously or subconsciously.

But I do have some control over whether or not I will participate in his drama. And I choose not to.

And it feels good.

Empowered, once again. (?)

It's interesting, because I'm thinking of Frank's ex, Psycho. Remember her? She created LOTS of drama. As a matter of fact, I think the way Frank's acting now is the way Psycho would have acted in this situation. It's like Frank's shadow personality or something. He once had Psycho to live out that shadow for him... but since she's not here, and I'm not doing drama, he's got to create it himself. It's so damn... INTERESTING... when I watch it like a TV show or something.

So I guess that's what I'll do from now on.

Popcorn, anyone?

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