Oh Diary!

I have been trying to update for the past week, but everytime I wasn't able too. I would hit that page that said the server was too busy.

So, I've been away so long, at the training...

It was great. I'm so glad I went. I'm signing up for the next one. I think this is what I'm meant to do.

It helped a lot to be away from this town, away from Frank.

Speaking of which, did I mention, that he called me the day before I left-- while I was wondering what to do about that email-- he figures I've left already and I'll never see the email, so he leaves me a phone message also.

Score one for the psychic.

I figured I'd wait a few days into the training and see what developed for me before calling him back... and one day went by, and then another, and another... and, well... then I just found myself having a good time-- and-- I met somebody.

Not somebody in the sense of the ONE somebody (I have to keep reminding myself) but I have met the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.

He's a Canadian bodybuilder (is there a joke about that somewhere?). He's smart. Talented. Funny. Sweet. Really sweet. And he's attracted to ME, which I couldn't believe.

But most of all, Alphie was my friend for the entire week of the training. A truly nice person.

No, we didn't sleep together. Although I was severely tempted. I mean really, I was just about to sleep with him-- which is soooo out of character for me, believe me-- I told you I usually wait 3-6 months to sleep with anyone I'm dating, and I never do "casual" sex ~ and this is what kind of person he is:

HIM: You know, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do, I know this week has been very hectic, and I'd hate for it to end with something that's going to upset you. You seem kind of hesitant.

ME: I don't know what's going on for me, I feel some fear, I guess-- partially I've been trained by my ex that I'm too much, and... well, then there's a fear inside of me that my passion has died or something.

So instead, we kissed. A lot. And he held me, and I cried about Frank. Isn't that the worst? I mean, I really want to be over the heartbreak (even thought my friend told me to give myself a break since it's only been 4 months). But Alphie assured me we would see each other again.

What that taught me is that, like it or not, and no matter what the psychics say-- whether Frank is going to come back in the future or not-- I have to separate from him. I wanted more than anything to let Alphie love me for one day. To really feel attractive again, to be able to let somebody make love to me. But my grief for Frank just got in the way. So I came home pretty clear about what I need to do.

I called Frank back a day or two after I returned. We had our first sane conversation in ages, since the separation. He sounds sad, he's alone, and doing whatever... being in his aloneness, I guess. He says he's realized he's been successful in every aspect of his life save being in a relationship-- and opening his heart to someone. It was so sad, for me too, because, well, he was my best friend for so long. It's like he has a disease, and it's terminal, and we just talk about it and feel sad about it.

Frank asked me if I'd be interested in having a dinner or lunch with him, and I said, "Actually, I'd much rather meet with you so we can break up, properly. Some kind of event with intention and purpose where we both get to participate. Because I feel like your behavior of these past two months has not been very respectful of me. I think I des-- no, I KNOW I deserve better than that." It just flew out of my mouth like that... and Frank agreed.

An hour or so after our conversation, Frank wrote me an email apologizing for all his immature actions of the recent past. He said he does respect me, and he envies the fact that my heart can be so open while his feels so stuck.

So. That's where we are. Tentative plans for this weekend to have our little ritual or whatever you want to call it. I called Frank yesterday and suggested a place and time-- just waiting for him to call me back, which he is slow about. I imagine he's as hesitant to look me in the face as I am to see him.

And, I have a ticket to Canada at the end of this month. Just for the weekend. Extremely impulsive and unlike me, and I have no idea what will happen once I get there. But I figure, what the hell.

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