Hi Diary,

Well, the situation kind of resolved itself. The party is going to be held at a restaurant, not at Psycho's house.

The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I wanted to be a good friend, but at the same time the thought of walking into Psycho's house just made my stomach hurt. It didn't feel like it would be a party for me at all, it felt like it would be an ordeal.

I spoke with Delia, Stacey, Kelly and Angel, and all their reactions were pretty much the same: Oh my god DO NOT go to that woman's house. Angel said, "Listen to yourself, Duck, you are saying you will STOMACH it, you never put yourself first... if she were your really good friend she would never put you in this position in the first place.. if she can't understand that she's asking a lot from you, then she doesn't get it."

I know that Chaos said to go and ignore her, but it's pretty difficult to ignore someone in their own house-- it would come off as being extremely rude I think, and then I'D look like the nasty person. A choice between that or being really fake...

So, at least this way I can ignore her in a totally neutral space. Oh I will say hello and whatever, but I don't want to be on her turf. Kelly said I shouldn't even go to the restaurant if Psycho is there, but I think that's a little extreme. I'm not about not being anywhere she is, it's more that I don't want to come onto her turf and be uncomfortable.

Maybe I am making drama where there is none, or maybe this is just the way it is. I wish it didn't bother me at all. You know, sometimes I say that I just expect myself to be The Buddha, and not let anything affect me personally. That's how I WANT to live, but it's a little more difficult than it sounds. I would WANT to be able to just go and be in the same space as Psycho and be all cool about it. Be in the moment, forget about her past stalking of my ex boyfriend, her attempts to seduce him while we were dating, her trying to break us up. Umm... okay... but even though that is all over with, I would still be looking at this person and thinking, she has no respect for me, she had no respect for my relationship, she has no integrity. That's the way I think. I DO take it personally. I can say I've made some mistakes, I suppose. Maybe it is a matter of forgiveness.

At any rate, am leaving today for the conference. I will see Alphie later this evening. Don't ask me what's going on with him, because I don't know. I called him briefly yesterday to finalize our plans. He will already be set up at the hotel and offered to come pick me up at the airport.

Although he expressed excitement at seeing me, in the next breath he had to tell me about this and that woman he'd be hanging out with later on that evening and next week. I interrupted him to say that I would be visiting with my friend on Monday. Big fucking deal. What is he trying to do? If he's trying to discourage me from being attached to him, it's working. Believe me, I am not going to make any first moves there. On the other hand, if he's trying to make me jealous, what he's really doing is driving me away.

Yesterday I was talking to a co-worker about him, and she just says what too many people tell me, that I am too available. She said, "Duck, I hate playing games too, but unfortunately, I 've had to start doing that thing where if I like a guy, I have to pretend I'm less interested than I am. Sadly, it's the only thing that works. I'm sorry." Cause she knows that I try to be honest and upfront as possible. And she's right, I am always getting bit in the ass by that.

So now I'm taking lessons from Josie. We were joking that I would be calling here from the middle of the seminar, "Josie, what do I do?" and she'd say, "Don't give in, Duck, be a bitch!" ha ha. Sad, but funny.

I don't know how it's going to go, but I'm serious when I said I really don't care if I ever have sex with him again. True, he is hot, but maybe he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything in bed. Unless he really tries to seduce me and gives me something back, I can live without it.

Till then, have a good weekend everyone!
Thanks Chaos for all your notes of support!
Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]