Dear Diary,
Whew! Took me so long to get back here. With all the catching up on work, I've hardly had a minute to get to Diaryland.

Well, my seminar was great. Once again, I saw Alphie and a bunch of other people I met at the last training... Alphie actually came to pick me up at the airport and bring me back to the hotel where the conference was being held. He gave me a bouquet of flowers. Since I wasn't booked in a room for the first night, I shared a room with him. No we did NOT have sex. (I remembered the wise words of Josie). Alphie tried, but, I think I was just too tired from all the traveling I'd done that day, as well as not really feeling connected to him after all this time. So we just cuddled up and went to sleep.

The rest of the weekend was pretty busy, and since we are all in training we had a lot to do for the conference. I had a great time, because I was sharing a room with a couple I met during our training in June. It was a lot of fun.

At the end of the weekend, Alphie said he wanted to spend time with me, so we spent the last day together. And, we had sex. And, it felt just as, if not more, disconnected than the first time. I don't know why, but I just couldn't get into it. I don't know if it's because Alphie made me come first, and then I was just not as turned on... ugh. It could have been a couple things. For one, I asked him if he would give me oral sex. Over the "two" times we've been together, I've given that boy plenty of oral sex. But he's never initiated any sort of that going downtown with me. So finally I just figured I'd just ask. Hmm. Well, here's what I've discovered: he obviously doesn't like giving it. You can just tell with guys, if they don't jump on it and bury their face in there... Alphie's attitude was more like, nibbling crumpets at a tea party. Very tentative. And then he started using his hand, and I bet he thought I didn't notice that he wiped his face off on the sheet.

Oh well. I could take it personally, but knowing Alphie's personality (he's rather anal retentive) I bet it's got nothing to do with me. A shame though. A damn shame.

Anyway, the intercourse part... the whole time I was wondering what the hell he was doing. Seemed like he was trying to draw fancy shapes or something, and totally disconnected from my energy. I like to start slow and then build up to that frenzied kind of fucking... but seems like Alphie wants to jump right in and do that jackrabbit thing. It was really embarrassing to me, in my head. Then I started thinking about it, and that made it worse. Finally we just stopped and I said, "I don't know what's going on with me, I don't feel as connected as I want to." and he said, "Well you only opened your eyes like, twice," and then I felt really bad and apologized. Alphie's attitude was, don't worry about it, nothing can hurt me... but I felt really terrible that I'd totally sunk into this weird place and disconnected from him like that. That I would feel terrible if someone did that to me... I tried to open up the lines of communication and talk about it, but he just kept shushing me and telling me to go to sleep, that I could make it up to him in the morning when we were both more awake. I can't even tell you how shitty it felt.

So, in the morning, I tried to make it better. I'm sure it was better for him, but it took me a long time to feel anything... as in, my libido revving up... and by the time that started to kick in and I was feeling turned on, he had come. Oh, thanks, Universe, that's a swell joke!

I think he enjoyed it much better, but I just decided not to talk about it anymore, after being shushed. So we spent the remaining hours together, and that was sooo much fun... we went shopping at cute little stores, spent time outdoors in a beautiful park, and had a nice dinner at an outdoor cafe. Everytime I look at him I feel like his gaze makes me melt. I feel so incredibly happy just being with him, we make each other laugh hysterically, and are very supportive of each other, so I just can't figure out the sex thing.

I don't know. I do remember when Frank and I started having sex, I didn't really feel amazing fireworks. It was just like one day some switch got turned on and I couldn't get enough... I don't know if the same thing is going on here, but it almost feels embarrassing to me. And now Alphie doesn't seem like he can talk about it honestly either. I can only guess that he might think it's okay... or maybe he's worried it's him.

Yeah, Duck, maybe other people can be as insecure as you are sometimes...

At any rate, in one way it's kind of a relief. There were a lot of attractive young women at the conference, one especially that I could tell was really hot for Alphie. Occasionally I would feel a flash of jealousy about that whole thing, but it turned out she really liked me too, as a friend, so it was difficult at times. But I did notice Alphie would come back to reconnect with me, or kiss me hello in the morning. Regardless, now, what do I have to be jealous of? We've done the ultimate act, and it sucked.

*******
I'm back in town, and Phil and I had dinner last night. The weird thing was going to Phil's house, and all of a sudden he's all touchy-feely, trying to get me to lie on his bed with him, wanting to give me a massage.

I figure a massage can't be worse than the awkward, disconnected sex I had over the weekend, so what the hell.

And he gives me a massage and then is stroking my neck and my hair in a very unlike-Phil way. What is going on, I ask myself.

At dinner, it was revealed to me that Phil had some closure with another woman, someone he was not really sure about, but it seems like he's over her now. I guess that's why all the touchy-feely has come about.

Phil is sweet and I love to spend time with him, I love his sense of humor especially. But his touch does not arouse anything in me. I merely reiterated somewhere during dinner (slipping it nicely and appropriately into the conversation) that I don't feel ready to have a boyfriend at this time.

Regardless, Phil tried to convince me, since we were out so late, that I should just stay over at his house. I declined. I know that he wouldn't have tried anything, but I just wanted to sleep in my own bed after being away for so long. And also, I had no clean clothes to wear to work or anything like that. It seemed like too much of a hassle.

Glad my pheromones seem to be working, but when is my libido going to catch up?

[previous] [next]