Hi Diary,

How is that I can be so grumpy on a Monday? Well probably because communication has already broken down here and that annoys me a lot.

We are down to a skeleton staff, but some days you'd think I'm the only person who wants to make any money and/or keep this here company going. Talia and Josie have a bad habit of not communicating with me, and not telling me where they are or if they have already scheduled a meeting, etc. So I end up double-booking them on meetings or making appointments for them when they're not even in the area. How am I supposed to know if they don't tell me? I don't know what they are thinking. Then I have to call clients back and rearrange everything and look like an idiot. It's VERY irritating.

Oh well. Saw CF this weekend-- ran into her at one of our mutual functions. It's been all right, I no longer feel so intimidated by her... and I don't feel like I owe her anything or need to make her happy. Really, I could care less. So I guess that means I have moved on in a healthy direction.

Went out with Evan again Friday night. He's all right, just so... NEEDY. He kept telling me how weird he is (does he want me to disagree with him and reassure him? I don't think he's as weird as he thinks, because I know a LOT of weird people). He is so insecure, it's kind of crazy-making, because he puffs himself up in situations to appear less insecure.

And guess what? While out with Evan who do I run into but Mike-- if you remember I had met him some time ago and seen many of his performances; he had expressed an interest in me but never ever called me. Well I run into him and say hi, he doesn't really recognize me, I remind him and then we ended up talking for a while... and I still like him. Dammit! I can't believe I still like a guy who has so clearly blown me off... I can't really tell what that's about. Anyway I was almost embarrassed to be there with Evan, who was running around like a big fruit loop trying to make everybody like him.

Last night a friend from the training, Liam, came into town. He took me out for a very late dinner. He's another one I'm not sure of. He was married, then divorced, but his wife never left the house. Now they are getting married again. They have an open relationship and apparently she fell deeply in love with one of her boyfriends and wanted to leave Liam. But then decided she doesn't want to leave him. I think Liam is looking for a lover of his own, and that explains his interest in me... if you remember, I told you that he and another guy cornered me at the last night of the training, and asked me about my relationship with Alphie.

Last night he asked me if I had been seeing anyone. I thought he meant here, in my hometown. So I said no. And then again he asked me about Alphie. I don't know what to tell him since I don't know what my thing is with Alphie anyway. All I ever do is say, "I live here; Alphie lives there." I mean, what do people expect? There is a way that Liam, like Evan, is almost too enthusiastic and eager to have this intimate connection , to force it, make it happen because they want it to happen. And in my experience, intimacy just doesn't work that way.

I feel like the rose, trying to be opened with a hammer.

All of it a reminder that I would like to meet somebody who can really see me.

Talk later.

Love,
Duck

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