Hi Diary,
How's life? Mine is okay. My job is pretty yucky though. My boss is kind of crazy (what else is new)? He tries to micromanage everything I do, including telling me I "phrase things wrong". He is kind enough to tell me exactly how I should say things-- like I am supposed to stop and think about how I should tell him who we have to send emails to, or how many orders we got today. Apparently he thinks I have a terrible attitude, which I've never been accused of. I'm beginning to see it clearly now. He hears criticism in everything someone says. What can I do about it? Today I almost walked out. We have a big event next week though, so I'm thinking I'll wait until afterward. There's an opportunity to meet a lot of people and maybe some of them will be interested in my work. But I definitely have to get out of there.

It's true that I do very well when my bosses leave me alone-- I worked well for Talia, and even CF-- and even though CF was controlling and evil, she knew when to delegate and leave things in another person's hands to get things done. She could see that I was confident and trustworthy and could handle things. But Louie won't let go until he looks it over 17 times. He will read my work emails over before I send them and even re-adjust my sentences. Everything takes so long to do that hardly anything gets done in one day. If I make a simple suggestion he thinks I am criticizing him and he explodes. He's a psycho! I miss my old job with Talia so much.

Anyway, enough about that. I'm going to travel next week and I'll see Alphie at the seminar I'm going to. I don't think we should have sex anymore, but I wonder if thinking that will actually make me hold to it. I mean really, every time we've had sex I just feel disappointed afterward. That's got to be the worst feeling after sex. I just think he's not the lover for me. I feel like he's one of those guys that won't make love to you unless you've showered and properly waxed and shaved. I feel like he must not like the way I taste or smell, if it's always necessary to do that. How boring. At least Frank used to tell me he loved the way I smelled, and he enjoyed oral sex.

Speaking of Frank, I saw him last week. That's right folks, he came by my house. There's a long story about how I called him and asked him for my remaining stuff back, and he jerked me around with call you/not call you crap, and went crazy calling me and even called my sister, because he had to talk to me so desperately, and then finally he comes over to deliver it, and sits down at my kitchen table and we have a stilted conversation about this or that. And I finally say, "Frank, what did you need to talk to me about that was so important?" and he says, "Oh, nothing really." My heart sank, which was somewhat unexpected. I don't know what I WAS expecting... something more. It all didn't make sense to me... he was desperate to talk to me, and then he's sitting there asking me about my job and whatnot. What a load of crap. So then, right before he's leaving, he says, "Well I did want to tell you something... uh... I felt really bad that time around Christmas when your friend asked me if we were going to get married and I said no. Afterward I felt really bad."

What?

I said, "Frank, out of all the things that have happened, I've never thought about that once. You told me you didn't want to get married. That's no big deal. It's definitely not one of the things I'd be angry about."

Then he asked me what did bother me. Duh. I had to tell him that, when he didn't meet me to break up with me, and dropped things off at my house, and blah blah blah you all know the story and if you don't you can go back and read it.... at first he tried to argue with me that he had done everything so consciously, etc., but then, there was really nothing more he could say. He just kind of sat there and said nothing, it was as if what I had said had never occurred to him- it NEVER crossed his mind that all that stuff would hurt my feelings- and he finally got it. How it took so long, I don't know.

Then he said he didn't know what to say and he didn't know what the next step was, and he left. And I cried, and was surprised again. I don't know why. I don't want him this way. Maybe some part of him was hoping he would change, and also that he was missing me so much that he would... I don't know... do SOMETHING. Kind of embarrassing to tell you this Diary, especially since I thought that I was pretty much over him. All this experience proved to me was that there are so many layers to the heart, and it takes a long time to heal. I don't want Frank the way he is now, but I want somebody. He's the best I've had so far, so it's hard for me to imagine what better will look like. Maybe that's why I cried.

Don't know. I don't want to be friends with him, because it feels so disatisfying and fake; I have a lot of anger about how he treated me and disrespected me and that he left me in the first place. And I don't want to be lovers with him, because he is still weak and afraid and doesn't want to commit, and in love with his belief that nothing ever works out. So, what is there?

Nothing.

Huh. So, left it at that on Sunday, and haven't talked to him since. Until...

Yes. You bet. Got a letter today.

Sure, Diary, I'll let you read it:
******
Dear Duck,
Simply... I regret with the deepest sense of sorrow and remorse my actions that caused you harm.
Upon exiting your apartment last Sunday, I experienced a great shame and full embarrassment. I felt unmasked. In my regressed and immature state, I acted foolishly, falsely convincing myself that I had acted "consciously". My intention was not to disrespect you; however my actions were disrespectful. My intention was not to hurt you; however my actions did hurt you. Instead, I created a mess. I reacted out of fear. I failed you. You deserved better. I broke a trust. I lost an opportunity to love. I missed an act of friendship.
Thank you for speaking your truth with the usual sense of clarity and courage that I have admired since meeting you.
My wish is for us to create a place of forgiveness so this scare (sic) between us can heal. Perhaps, with time, we can have some sort of communication, at the very least to share our life experiences.
Take care,
Frank
******

What do you think of this, Diary? This was a type written letter, without even a signature. I've told him several times over the year that he can call me on the phone whenever. This is the second time he's mentioned this "perhaps, someday" kind of thing in a letter. How would I respond to this? Write a letter back? It's all so confusing to me. I give up with this one anyway, Diary. I see that it still hurts me. I don't know why, but it does. I had a good year without him regardless. I can hold both things... but I don't want to put myself through the wringer.

Hmm.

Well, that's enough catch-up for tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Love,
Duck

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