Hi Diary,

Life going okay, a hectic day yesterday. Had quite a bit of freelance work, so that was good. Had to see Louie though, and that was hard of course; seems after only a period of a few hours I am ready to strangle him. It's weird, because he doesn't hold any bad feelings- he's kind of like a dog, he doesn't remember any arguments that we've had before, so he starts fresh. But that's also because he is the psychotic controlling hovering one who is difficult to get along with and makes those arguments begin! I guess he is kind of addicted to the whole drama of not getting along, but of course he wants you to come back again.

Anyway, he wanted me to come in for a few hours and train the girl who is taking my place. But of course when I am trying to train her he is interrupting me and changing the focus of what he wants her to learn. He doesn't seem to realize that when people are learning new things, it's best to focus on a few tasks and show the person step by step rather than mixing it up and changing your mind, etc.

I was sending him telepathic mind messages that he better just cool it, or she was going to bolt. But I don't think telepathically he was listening, just as he doesn't listen in real life.

Today I am having a very lazy day. Last night I stayed up very late talking to Wisconsin on the phone. I'm not sure why. Again, he seems interested in learning what I have to teach him, and that's good, I guess... there's part of me that was unsure of everything because he told me that he was getting involved with his ex again. So I'm keeping in my head, that is his interest and not really me. Though I think he genuinely likes me, and he was asking me a lot of personal questions to find out more about me, and that always feels nice.

Just sitting here typing this I kind of wonder why I have to have expectation or disappointment around any of this, kind of like what I have with Alphie now... I feel like I had to let go of a big piece of expectation and need to be "the one" in his life-- the result is that I still have a strong connection with him in my life, I know that he supports me and loves me and has faith in me, and what's more, now I've got Grace in my corner too, someone else who also feels that way about me. I would have missed out on that if I had an all-or-nothing attitude of: "if he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, we can't be friends."

So as far as Wisconsin goes, there seems to be something very special about him, parts of him seem relatively open and evolved (for lack of a better word) and obviously I was attracted to his energy for some reason. There was a point there that I was really having a fantasy that there could be something between us and I had a specific desire about what I wanted that to look like, but at this point, I feel like I've let that go. Who knows, he could turn out to be a strong friend in my life, rather than "the one".

Where did "the one" come from, anyway? I seemed to be as brainwashed as the rest of the culture. Don't know. Even Alphie seems convinced that Grace is his soulmate, obviously, since they moved in together knowing each other less than a year.

Anyway, rather than seeing some pivotal "one" maybe my envisionment (is that a word) of love could be more like a quilt. How many loving elements can I piece together in my life? All different shapes and sizes and patterns and flavors. And just allowing myself stronger and deeper friendships and relationships and enjoy that quilt rather than waiting for the one perfect whole blanket.

I am tired. I am probably not making sense.

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