#2

Dear Diary Again,

I just had to write about this pattern. The one of seeing Alphie, feeling blown wide open and loved, and then abandoned, by both him and Grace, when days and maybe weeks go by with no calls, acknowledgement, etc.

I guess I should talk to them about how I feel. Would it be too demanding to suggest we connect more by phone? Do I have any right to ask for such a thing? I guess that is the question. Knowing that they are important to each other, but still trying to define my role here, how important am I really? Am I more important than some but less important than others? I honestly do not know. But it's really hurting me. If it's not possible to set up some commitment about better communication, maybe I should just propose not seeing each other anymore. Sounds scary, but do I need this pain in my life? Does the good part outweigh the pain? I am wondering, I guess I will have to think about it.

Also, I am glad I wrote so much about Louie here, because I need to be reminded the reasons not to work with him again. So I think I will make a list to compact it all down:

REASONS NOT TO WORK WITH LOUIE
1. He lies
2. He lies to cover up his lies
3. He is controlling and in the end does what he wants to even when you give him specific instructions otherwise
4. He conflicts himself, i.e., he brags about what he can accomplish but then whines and complains that he overworks for not enough money
5. More confliction: He says things and then claims he did not say them, whether this is a memory thing or a lying thing I'm not sure
6. He creates fantasy relationships, imagining that he has special partnerships and/or business relationships with people that are not realistic
7. He is unprofessional and does things out of his need for attention rather than serving the job at hand
8. He wants to control other people's relationships
9. He turns everything into a big drama, and then claims it's the other person's personality than makes everything go awry
10. He told B that I was "unstable"
11. On numerous occasions he has either said or hinted to clients or in public the following things:
a) that I was difficult to work with (me! not him!)
b) that we have some kind of special relationship, hinting at some kind of romance (or something)
12. He still has not given me a) my check which he assured me he was bringing on Saturday and then claimed he forgot; and b) info from the last job which he has over the last several weeks said he would give me
13. He is not a trustable person, and in the end only looks out for himself
14. He blames everyone else for the state of his life
15. He was verbally abusive to me and never took responsibility for it
16. He says he has changed but then goes back to the same behavior
17. He is disorganized and does not have the skills to produce the results he promises
18. I think he has borderline personality disorder
19. I have no patience with him because he does not listen or care about anyone but himself
20. The scent of him makes me sick, he has affected me in such a negative way

If that's not enough reasons, I don't know what would be.

Love,
Duck

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