Hi Diary,

Well, saw CuteBoy this weekend. Except the first day I get there, we spend about three hours being all snuggly and lovey, and basically he tells me...

He has a *girlfriend*.

Wha?! Yeah, that's what I say. It turns out he met someone a couple days before he met me at the B&B. And after our time spent together, he spent the next week and a half getting closer and closer to this girl, whom I will call Bambi.

Why not? Let's call her Bambi.

So. What exactly is so distressing about this? Oh nothing. I mean, granted, we live 8 hours apart. The chances of either of us moving to each other's towns are so very remote. But still, it would be nice to just friggin' connect with someone who was not involved with somebody else. Basically CuteBoy called Bambi his "temporary" girlfriend; his first language is not English, I think that's important to mention. At any rate, he says, well it's like, you are my girlfriend from ________, and she is my girlfriend here. And she knows you are coming, and I am spending time with you this weekend.

Okay. Hmm. I actually had to go to the bathroom for a minute and just breathe and try to brush it off. I had the whole weekend here and this was a shocking beginning. Then it gets even better. I come out and CuteBoy is on the phone with Bambi... she's coming over. Why? I guess CuteBoy told her all about me, and apparently she likes women, and wanted to meet me.... under the guise of needing to come over and pick something up. Yeah I don't know. CB knows about me and Grace, and I asked him directly... are you trying to make something happen here? And he says no, that Bambi wants to meet me. So she comes over- and- well this whole thing is like an Alphie and Grace flashback. Bambi is not so feminine, she's kind of mannish, masculine, squareish in body and face. And she has no damn nose. Now I have myself a big ol' honker and am all curves. You couldn't find two more different women. And I'm wondering if CuteBoy's just fulfilling his masculine and feminine side with the two of us. In any case, she sticks around and we are nice and have a conversation and the whole deal, and it's fine. After she leaves CuteBoy and I have an incredible makeout session. I know what you are thinking, Diary... what are you doing, Duck? Yeah so we made out. a) because I just wanted too, and yeah okay maybe it was to show him, yes you have Bambi, but I'm here right now. Anyway it was one of those incredible kissing sessions where you realize you went somewhere else when you kiss someone, and when you open your eyes you're shocked by your surroundings...

The next day CuteBoy has to work, so I wander around town for quite awhile and try to come to grips with the situation. Any fantasies of being close to CuteBoy have kind of vanished. At the same time, it doesn't hurt so bad. I just realized this has happened before, and I'm saying to myself, hmm, Universe, what are you trying to teach me with these triangular relationships? And the truth is I like CuteBoy, I like him a lot... but now it's just about being here, and maybe I won't take such pains to be with him in the future, especially since the first day I was here Bambi had to come over anyway. That's really not being okay with me being here... it's needing to come over and check me out.

A few hours later I meet up with CuteBoy and he tells me that he and Bambi had a huge fight. For one thing, she is upset about me being here (big surprise) and the affection between me and CuteBoy bothers her. Also, I guess he told her about our makeout session and she was upset by that.

I felt obligated to tell him, listen, if you are going to date more than one woman at a time, it's best to not give details like that. I felt sorry for him though. He tells me Bambi is quite a bitch. They've really just dived into this thing where they've spent every day together since he returned from the B&B, so that's a little over a week of sleeping together and drama. And I also pointed out that even though Bambi says she likes girls and is okay with sharing CB, it's actually one thing to say it and another to live it. It works with me and Grace because we love each other, I mean for all the left-outishness I feel I really do love Grace, and I never wish her any ill will. But it's obvious this Bambi chick hates my guts and basically said to CB, it's her or me... and CB said fuck off, I told you Duck was coming and she's important to me... so that felt good in a way that CB does want to connect with me, but I also felt bad for Bambi.

By this time two days later, CB tells me Bambi came back, that she came to work and now they are back together. I am already sick of the drama and I've only been here four days. Good Lord! CB is kind of apologetic and confused though, framing it like, well, she gave me a ride to the store, she has a car... and I ask him straight out, do you love her? or do you feel you need her for these things? And it's clear he doesn't know. I notice some things about him, for one he often thinks I'm making fun of him, or being sarcastic when i'm not. Turns out Bambi is like this to him a lot. So she really is a bitch. And there's part of that that's probably really attractive to him, maybe like a mother issue? I don't know.

But when we hang out, we laugh a lot and are very cuddly and affectionate and creative and fun. So I've kind of let everything go and said, CB can choose whatever he wants- if he wants that energy in his life, that's what he needs to learn from... if he wants to hang out with me and have fun, he will... he will choose what he likes better... I'm not fighting for him or anything like that, I'm just being myself.

And Bambi is already sleeping with him which I think is a big mistake to get so involved so fast...obviously her stalkery behavior (showing up at CB's work and all that drama her or me) just shows that she is so attached and is not comfortable with CB's "non-exclusive" definition of the relationship; in my opinion the whole thing can only end in disaster.

In any case, CB wanted to sleep together but I passed. I don't want the same energy I had with Alphie. Being disappointed about somebody not calling, feeling disconnected. I just like him too much, why would I want to do that to myself. Yes I wish I could just approach it as fun. Emily said he could be my boy toy but that would kind of be like using him. And once I saw a glimpse of his heart, I realized I could never treat him like that.

So, he will be with Bambi because she gives him what he wants-- he's young and he wants sex. But last night when he was crying in my arms, because his heart opened up, well that's what I provide. Maybe it will make him a better person. Maybe it will make it easier for him to be with Bambi. I don't know.

Maybe I should just give up on the idea of meeting somebody in that way.

love,
Duck

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