Dear Diary,

Today I was supposed to go to Molly's, but since I have trouble waking up, I feel crappy during the day and I felt like I was still experiencing my cold. So I didn't go. I did call, and her sister answered the phone and said Molly was in the bathroom. So I told her, can you please tell Molly I still don't feel well, I was supposed to come by today but I'm still sick. From the sister's reaction I could tell she didn't understand what I said, and she asked if she should tell Molly to call me when she got out. I said okay.

I always feel a sense of dread when I call Molly, I guess because as I've said many times before, she wants everyone to do what she wants to do. I have canceled a lot but sometimes going to her place is just such an inconvenience... it takes me over an hour to get there, and that's a hassle. She's never come to visit me, so I don't think she realizes what a trek it is.

So I left my message and then I waited. And waited. And she never called. Not all day. Which is another thing. Sometimes I will call and leave a message on her machine, and she doesn't respond. I'll have to call again and she'll say, oh yeah, my husband said you left some kind of message on the machine. Uh, yeah, so you don't call me back? I don't get it.

I don't really know why I let people bother me, like Louie and Molly. I can't figure out why I get so ANGRY and just can't let it go. When I think about it, they are both very controlling and I guess I just get triggered by that. I was controlled enough in my life.

So today I just came to a place again of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and super depressed. I went out for a walk. Lately the last few days I've been bursting into tears at odd moments and never know why. Something is really up with me.

I was trying to think of the perfect person to call. Someone I could call and say, I'm having a really hard time.

I called Emily but really, she is one of those people that when you tell her something, she starts a sentence with "but..." and then tells you something like, on the bright side... and if you feel bad you just need to keep busy, or be around people. Well, I really think that doesn't work for me. And sometimes Emily just jumps in and tries to fix things rather than just listening and letting you have your feelings. So I told her I had to go, and I tried to organize myself for tomorrow. I have a lot to do tomorrow.

So I don't know what's wrong with me, I think I need some help, but I'm struggling financially and I don't think I could afford therapy. I think, maybe, my old therapist would give me a discount, but I'd need to make a little bit more money first.

I have a lot of business opportunities, and I need to do a lot of stuff, but I feel like I can barely keep myself together.

Here's to tomorrow being a better day.

Love,
Duck

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