Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up with a beautiful man in my bed... it was really nice.

Wis came over on Saturday and we cuddled, fed each other fruit, took a bath and watched a movie. I know, kind of insane for like, a second date. But we are really comfortable with each other. It's cute because he is pretty shy and I had to turn all the lights off in the bathroom and he got in the tub first. Isn't that cute?

It was nice curling around each other in the night, kissing in the dark. I've forgotten what that's like. I had a flash of, yeah, this is what it's like to live with someone you love, you can just reach out for them in the middle of the night.

Though I'm not really sure that most people do.

At any rate, on Friday in the middle of the night I just sat up and started to cry. What was coming up for me was something about Frank... all those times I practically had to beg for sex. How horrible it felt... in the beginning of our relationship, he complained that I never initiated sex. Then, it was me trying to initiate all the time. I guess I started to feel like if he would just have sex with me, I was "safe"- everytime I felt a little insecure, I wanted to have sex. Yeah, you think a guy would like that sort of thing! But Frank was always pushing me away. I guess I felt a lot of sadness about that.

All this fear about getting connected with Wis, I think a lot of it stems from everything that happened with Frank. I hate to say that, since it seems like everything around that should be dead and buried. But yesterday Wis came over, and I was sitting on his lap, and I suddenly just realized, all this confusion racing around in my head- all this worry about this being the wrong thing, or me saying or doing something wrong- I think I am very afraid of getting close to someone again.

And I am confused. After Alphie. Alphie made me feel very special in the beginning, but then there was that whole non-monogamous thing with him. He wasn't very clear about anything, so I could never tell exactly how special I was... turns out I wasn't very special at all- definitely not special enough to find out about Grace, and them getting together. So I kind of have the same fears about Wis. What if he is like this way with everybody ... by everybody I mean a bunch of women? I just don't think I can take all that confusion again.

But I was reading a book today, and it says if a guy seems concerned about you, worried about your happiness, wants to know if you are hungry, thirsty, too cold or too warm- if he wants to fix stuff for you, or carry your heavy bag... he's interested in more than just sex. Well, Wis always brings me snacks, asks if I'm hot or cold, carries my bag, and all that stuff. As well as telling me I'm beautiful, and cute, and sexy. That stuff is pretty hard to take in sometimes, but the book says men are also primarily attracted to self-confidence women who can take a compliment. That seems to make sense. Who wants to reassure someone all the time?

At any rate, I am feeling good. I had a little nervousness because I didn't hear from Wis all day. Isn't it funny how my mind jumps to some thought that I've done something wrong, made a fool of myself or driven somebody away? Why am I like this? That's frustrating. But then he called later tonight.

This week I think I'll be working on my self-esteem.

Love,
Duck

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