Hi Diary,

Well. Life has carried on.

The big news is that Aleda is mad at me. She invited me to a party on Thursday, and I declined to go; after which I received a very nasty email saying that I am not a good friend, and I have really let her down.

Basically she said it's ok for Emily to not have to go because she has a "real" job, but implied that I don't do much of anything. Now you know me and emails, I hate when people do that- as a way of avoiding conflict. But I decided to play on her turf if that's the way she wants it.

I wrote her back, and basically told her the truth- I told her that I have not felt supported by her for a long long time. And that I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, and that I work very hard, and I'm tired of her judgment and criticism. But very nicely, I said all that.

At any rate, I am pretty much ready to let go of the friendship. All I feel is pressure from her to be somebody different than who I am. To stay up later, eat differently, talk differently, be different. Well, I really don't want to be different. I really don't want to not take care of myself and stay up late so she can feel I am a good friend. I really don't think I should have to explain how hard I work so I can convince her I have to go home and go to sleep.

She actually mentioned in one part of an email, "You have been a good friend in the past but not recently. And here I am thinking you are a good friend but it looks like I have to update that." Kind of threatening and bitchy-like. Like I am supposed to win points from her by performing certain tasks, and now because I have been too wrapped up, apparently, in the death of my friend, and my job and my health, I have lost my gold star.

And I feel like, good, you do that, you "upgrade" to friends whose goodness is graded by how available they are to you- how much they cater to your every need.

I have a lot of friends that are good, that are busy, and can't always show up or do what I'd like them to do. But I understand one thing; people have to take care of themselves. And if one of my friends can't meet me because she needs rest, or doesn't feel like its the best thing for her, then I don't get all bent out of shape. My friend Beverly never calls and barely emails and I usually have to try to track her down... but I know she prays for me when I need help and I know that she loves me. I know that some things about communication are not her strong points. I accept her as she is.

That's what I want from Aleda- to be accepted as I am, but I feel like I don't get that, and I told her that in my email. I came home and checked my email- there was just a one line response- "thanks for your email, I will write when I have time". So, I don't really know what she could say in response, but, it's either she accepts me or she doesn't- I can't really see how one can argue about accepting someone.

But at one point she wrote.." You weren't there to take care of me when..." and all I could think is, why do I have to take care of you? You are a grown up. Friends are there to love and support to the BEST OF THEIR ABILITIES. It's not my job to take care of you, I'm not your boyfriend or husband! And never mind that when I told Aleda my friend died, she took one breath and started talking about herself. Gee, speaking of support, thanks for that.

So I am ready to be done. I actually feel kind of relieved. I saw Emily today and she told me that she had lunch with Aleda on Monday and she is trying harder to get along. Then she told me that Aleda bullied Lacey the other day about something and Lacey felt really bad. Well Aleda does this to everyone and if Emily and Lacey want to continue with it, it is their choice. Really Aleda and I would not be friends at all if we were not in the same class.

If I am not accepted then it will just be weird to be in the same class, but the alternative is to continue in social situations and carrying on a friendship where I feel unaccepted, criticized and judged.

I just don't want to feel shitty any more. I don't need to hear how I let some 20-something down because I didn't go to a party. My idea of friendship is a little more mature than that.

The END.

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