Dear Diary,

Not really knowing what to write, but writing nonetheless. I have a ton of work to do, so much so that I don't even know where to start.

For one, my apartment is a complete and utter mess: quite disastrous. How can a person even think, or create a thing, or find any peace in such a mess? Well, they can't: I can't, I must do something.

Also, I have a ton of things to do for my own job: website work, scheduling, outlines, proposals, emailings, etc. I have been feeling quite... uh, uninspired. Although I did work with some clients today and felt hopeful, so I'm hoping I can ride that wave somewhere.

Tomorrow is Red's birthday, and everybody is supposed to bring a poem, so I have to do that too. Write a poem in honor of Red. I'm not sure how long that will take. But knowing my tendency to procrastinate, I shudder to think about it.

Otherwise, I have been feeling a bit better. Yesterday I had a good talk, and a boo-hoo, with Red. I'm not quite sure how to approach this new situation with a new attitude, because it actually feels like an old situation I've experienced before and I can easily slide into my old attitude. Red told me that he thought it was okay to feel everything I'm feeling, but not to dwell on sadness and hopelessness, otherwise I pull more sadness and hopelessness towards myself. So to feel what I feel, and then move forward... and to also focus on positive things, what I wish to create, more than what I am afraid of.

Last night after visiting with Red I stopped by and saw Emily. She has a cold and wasn't feeling well. She asked me why M didn't come to town for Halloween and also why he wasn't coming for Red's birthday party. I told her that we talked about it and he needs some space to figure things out. I didn't mention that we were on a break and not even talking on the phone, but I was amazed that I could phrase it so smoothly, and it didn't sound like an emergency. Which makes me think that maybe it doesn't have to be an emergency.

After that I went to the grocery store, where I attempted to buy healthy things and just felt confused and like I hardly wanted anything, even though I am constantly hungry. I think it is this sugar thing. I have not eaten white sugar since I did the fast at the beginning of October, and even though it's been about a month, sometimes I feel this crazy craving, like I am absolutely starving, but at the same time I don't want sugar either, but I want something sweet. Steffy has a theory that since I ate so much- too much, sugar for so long, my intestinal flora is all out of whack and THAT's what's starving and craving sugar, not my stomach. It could very well be true, meanwhile I'm not sure what to eat. But it does make me realize too how unhealthy this whole dietary lifestyle has been.

Today I was very resistant to waking up. I set my alarm for 9am and hit the snooze for an hour and fifteen minutes. I did get up and see my clients. I felt a rush of energy- happiness- and walked outside and realized I had nothing to do... no plans... and that is the scary part- normally I would be seeing M or at least looking forward to talking to him on the phone. If I don't have somewhere to go, it feels quite easy to slide into some kind of black hole. So I called Inez, and made plans with her to go to a stretching/exercise class on Tuesday, even though Inez has been irritating me more and more because she talks continuously and one can't get a word in edgewise... but, it's something to do. Then I tried to think of what I can do today to avoid any downward spiral. I took myself out to lunch, and read a bit of my book. I suppose now I will clean up around the house, maybe even reorganize some closets, and possibly call some people about getting together this evening, even though I don't feel like it.

I guess the key is to keep moving.

I want answers to what is going to happen, I want to be told everything is going to be all right, but really that doesn't matter because even when I hear that, I have doubt. And the doubt says, yeah, but what if? What if the answer is wrong, what if the answerer (and who even knows who that is) missed this very important point? That is the thing about doubt. It multiplies itself, it doesn't need much to fester at all. And perhaps at the center of all this doubt is a doubt I have about myself, that I am even worthy to have something in this life that is glorious and fulfilling and just for me.

Hmm. Something to think about.

Love,
Duck

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