Dear Diary,
Today I was excited to get home and... write in my diary! I'm not really sure why. I guess it's the only place I feel I'm really understood, where I don't have to pretend life is normal.
Last night I ran into a friend of mine in the grocery store. I haven't seen her in months and months! She asked about M and I told her we were on a break so he could sort out his feelings from his divorce... she is living with a guy that got divorced about 2 years ago (M's has been about a year and a half) and nodded in understanding.
Other explanations I have given for M not being or around or not knowing how he is because I haven't talked to him: that he went on a vision quest, that he is busy... that he has been abducted by aliens... it's a very awkward subject. Obviously, the people who are asking me are not that in the loop, but I seem to have this thing about telling the truth. Should I just say, "He's wonderful!" ?
Anyhow, today I woke up earlier than I wanted to, an hour earlier than I had set my alarm for, and though I tried like hell to get back to sleep, my body would not cooperate. So I got up, did some business emailing, had a couple phone meetings, went to the acupuncturist, met a client, returned my library books, researched the train schedule for my Saturday out of town presentation, took the wrong bus- didn't matter because the client I was supposed to meet was an hour late, and showed up just in time to put some of the money he owed me in my hand, and now I am home waiting for Amber to come over.
Amber offered to pay me if I could help her work on one of her projects. She wanted to make an evening of it, and bring dinner, but I really don't want her to stay that long. When she gets here, I'm going to tell her we only have 2.5 hours to work, because I have to call my mentor tonight. Which is sort of true- I WANT to call Serena tonight, anyway. If I don't say that, she'll stay till 11 or 11:30, and it will blow my night. I just have too much to do, and Amber is what my friend Beverly once described as "a black hole."
Gosh Diary, if you think I complain, you should hear Amber. She tells the same story over and over again, she is stuck in the same place - angry, unhappy, unsatisfied. Granted, I live out the same stories with different people in them. But hey! I'm trying. Amber is super-stuck, and we basically became friends because we were in a training together and we live close by. Other than that, I don't think there's much base to our friendship. We have different belief systems and different things that make us happy. Amber is very mental, very political, and slow to make changes. I hate politics and am more on the spiritual side. We grew apart and that was fine with me, until Amber's cat got sick, and she called me for support. Her cat eventually died, and that was too bad, and we kind of separated again- I ran into her a couple of times over the summer. Then she contacted me out of the blue for this work.
It seems money is starting to flow toward me again. I picked up a new client today, which I am excited about, and the guy who was just LAME when it came to fulfilling his financial obligations to me finally paid a chunk. I also received an email from another woman who wants to pay me what she owes, and it looks like I have enough interest for my presentation this weekend.
The check from M is sitting on the shelf. Really, Diary, something in me is saying not to cash it. I'm not sure why- I feel like it might cause problems if I take his donation, or loan, or whatever-- maybe that's part of the problem- I don't know what it is, although I suspect he wants to use me as a tax write-off. Which would be okay, but I'm still not completely comfortable. I'll have to think about it some more.
Today was a particularly hard day. Not a day of crying jags, like last week... but, glum. I am waiting to feel better physically as a result of not eating sugar. It's kind of funny because I feel like the Universe took so much away all at once: sugar, money, and M.
Ha ha. Funny, right?
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