Dear Diary,

Slept almost 12 hours and still feeling tired. I think everything has just come to a head and I desperately need rest. All the emotional work and soul searching I've been doing is quite exhausting, I suppose!

I don't know if I will be going to dance class again or not! I feel like I pulled a muscle in my calf, or at least that it's incredibly tight. This is an old injury that seems to be easily aggravated and I'm wondering if it's better to chill, and stretch it slowly, or just go back and exercise. A hot bath last night didn't even seem to do much for it.

So besides being tired, I felt a little pissed this morning. Although our conversation last week contained no promises, M alluded to speaking sooner than later. Rationally I don't know if that makes it "okay" for me to feel angry, but then again, anger is a feeling and feelings aren't required to be rational. I suppose at the root of that IS the feeling that someone isn't keeping their word, and when someone doesn't keep their word, I feel dishonored, disrespected and undervalued. So, I'm just aware of some anger that's come up for me.

There's been a part of me that's been really hopeful about hearing from him. Although I know that he has his tests today and I suspect he has just been trying to keep his head clear for these tests. I go in and out of the hopefulness, and sometimes find myself in a place of being really okay with it- able to understand it's not about me, etc. But it is affecting me, overall.

I don't really know what else to say. I was going to go out shopping with some of my gift certificates, but I'm feeling sooo tired. I guess I should go regardless, just to keep myself busy. I'm wondering when it's going to be more about doing things I want to do rather than doing things just to stay busy. That's a good question. The next step, I guess.

I feel like I'm doing a good job- that I have an awareness of the other side of this, and it's going to be good for me, whatever it is. I don't even know what it's going to look like. I can speculate sometimes, but I really don't know.

I got an email from an attractive ex-client a few days ago. Just something to say hello and be in touch, but also alluding that he finds me attractive, though not making any specific overtures. This is pretty much the only man besides M that I found attractive whilst dating- interesting coincidence, no? I did write back, and actually I confess I was kind of hoping HotExClient would suggest getting together. It would be nice, I thought, to even hang out with someone who was interested in being around me- good for my ego, anyway. Just received another email back and although he has made no such suggestion, who knows. The Universe works in mysterious ways.

Will keep you posted on all things, starting with if I can ever get out of bed and do something productive.

?

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