Dear Diary,

Woke up in the middle of the night from a dream- where I had gone to visit Gail, and we lit all these candles in the backyard. Then we were going to go somewhere else, and had to make sure all the candles were out. At that time Gail mentioned to me how she had given me a statue of the Blessed Mother and that I needed to pray to the Blessed Mother. I was like, "Okay, okay," and I woke up and I felt very afraid- kind of in a weird state, like there were strange noises in my house, and you can bet I DID start praying to the Blessed Mother right there.

The funny part is that I have always liked the Blessed Mother- my grandmother was really into her, so I think that's part of the connection- and Gail is not really into her at all. Gail's not much into compassion at all, if you remember from reading anything about her at all.

Slept late as usual, even though I went to bed at a decent hour. I have trouble getting my eyes to open. I finally just decided to stop judging myself and do this laziness thing until I'm really done with it. I've had my phone turned to silent since Thursday night. Red's called a couple of times, Gail's called a couple of times, and Inez texted to see if I wanted to go to a party last night- which doesn't make much sense to me since she is still sick, and too sick to get on a plane and go see her family for the holidays, yet she wants to go dancing? She is a weird girl that doesn't really fully take care of herself, I think.

At any rate, didn't answer any of those calls. Just been here in the house being tired and pissed. Yes, still pissed. Some part of my brain was wishing that now that the tests are over, M would call (the phone is off anyway, so who would know? never mind. don't interrupt my pissiness!). But of course, that hasn't happened, and it sends me into a whole spiral of disappointment. So big deal. What's going to happen? We talk on the holidays? Then what? A man who gets all freaked out by talking to me, and isn't really willing to do much more therapy than he's doing, where can it all go?

Last night I went to his teacher's website where it has video testimonials. I told myself, don't do it, Duck, don't do it! But you can bet I clicked on that "play" button to watch his testimonial. Thing was, I only watched about 30 seconds and then turned it off. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I feel angry and disgusted. I feel like everyone is a fake, and afraid, and afraid of their own fear which is even worse. I feel so exhausted and that I don't even know if I really love him anyway, or if it's just been about trying to protect myself from somebody else leaving me. I am really unsure. I don't feel like speaking to him on his birthday, much less Christmas and New Year's. Why would I want to ruin those holidays for myself by hearing the voice of a man who "can't" be with me? What's the point?

Right, I need to go punch some pillows and maybe cry some.

I know, I know.

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