Dear Diary,

As holiday times approach, and birthday times-- in other words, times that I really don't know what to do in terms of communication with a guy I'm in an undescribable relationship with- I find myself asking for guidance.

Now LilyB claims that before she goes to bed she says to whoever (angels or the Universe or someone): "I need an answer to this question, and make it CLEAR." And then she goes to sleep and she usually wakes up with a voice telling her exactly what to do.

Well I have tried this a couple of times, and rather than hearing a voice I usually have dreams. And you know me and my crazy dreams- I just keep having them, and usually they don't make much sense. Last night I asked my magic question- please let me know what is the best thing, for ME, to do- and make it clear.

I woke up this morning from a dream that now, I can't remember- but it really made no sense at all and wasn't very clear, as a matter of fact I'm quite sure it had nothing to do with my question. At which point I told the Universe (angels, whoever): "Listen, I want an answer, I'm going back to sleep until I get my answer!" and did so.

And I dreamt that I saw Lisa Bonet giving birth, but only in a soft slideshow presentation of watercolors. And that I was carrying around my own son, whom I presented to my father and introduced them as grandson and grandfather, and I was talking about the father, who was of course M, but who never actually appeared in the dream. But talking about him very lovingly. The best part of the dream was feeling my baby's face against my cheek, it was one of those moments that was very "real".

I don't know what this means. For one thing, the whole Lisa Bonet watercolor presentation is just weird. I could take it very literally, which dreams hardly ever are, or, I could look up what dreaming about a baby means in the dream dictionary: "To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. Babies may represent an aspect of yourself that is vulnerable and helpless."

That might have something to do with something.

I have a lot to do today, clean and pack and get ready to go visit my parents. I'm not really very excited about seeing them, or being part of this family at all. But it's one of those things one has to do.

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