Dear Diary,

Almost time for bed. I managed to do quite a bit of straightening up- dirty laundry in the hamper, clean bathroom, dishes, recyclables sorted, all that stuff. Suitcase pretty much packed. Took a hot bath and read more of "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner.

I'm really liking this book, I have heard about it for years but I guess I just wasn't ready to read it until now. I guess I thought it would be the kind of book that said, "You're angry and it's okay and you need to let yourself be angry," but it's not- it's much more than that. What I'm reading now is about being CLEAR- because I am familiar with having anger and certain other feelings and just not being clear about it. She outlines some situations in the book, but I could very easily use the same questions for my own situation.

Such as:

IS M WRONG TO ASK FOR SPACE, NOT CALL ME, ETC ?
Well, please. Of course I can't say he's "wrong" to take care of himself, even if that means not communicating with me. I've already defended him for doing just that, to X and to my sister!

DO I, DUCK, HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY?
Sure I do. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate. It's just a feeling. So I have a right to feel any way that I want to.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY COMMUNICATIONS (OR THOUGHTS) TO/ABOUT M?
If we're talking about communication, I guess the only thing would be if I wanted something different to be happening, and I wasn't asking for it. Of course I would like to be communicating more, but because of certain problems that brings up, that's not possible. So then it's my choice to ask for other things, such as the phone call I made two weeks ago asking for clarity. I can't expect M to read my mind and tell me things or do things without me specifically asking for them.
As far as thoughts, when I start thinking that he "should" do things, or that certain actions "mean" things- that's where I get myself into trouble. Does it mean everything is over if we don't speak? Who knows? Does it mean he's mad at me? I won't know unless I ask him. But I have to be careful about where my mind goes, it makes up information.

WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?
I guess I do, since I'm the one experiencing anger about it. Who knows, M could be experiencing anger, but he hasn't chosen to contact me and talk about it.

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?
My problem is that I am not really clear on what I want. I know I want a relationship, but I'm not really clear on what I am willing to endure to find out if I can have the kind of relationship I want with this person. If it requires waiting, I'm not sure how long I'm willing to wait. I do know that if I am with M, I want him to be clear about who HE is- I don't want to be in a relationship with so many doubts. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am worrying all the time about my man not being happy being with me.

A great line from this book was about using the skills to "lower the degree of emotional reactivity and increase the degree of self-clarity". I REALLY like that phrase. I know my emotional reaction and feelings of "how can you not love me?" were very much hooked into an old pattern from childhood. The more I clear that up, the more space I have to look from NOW- and the real situation- and trying to get clear here about what I want.

M is not my parents. By taking space, he's not saying he doesn't love me. Actually, he's not even abandoning me- only little kids get abandoned. We have been in relationship, we talked, we made an agreement, we are taking space. Nobody abandoned anybody.

I want to get to this place of self-clarity around what I need in regard to communication- granted, I have very little time if we are talking about speaking on the holidays- but I wish I felt more clear around what would be best for me.

Maybe, it will be revealed in a weird dream.

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