Dear Diary,

Accomplishments today include nothing, with a side of nothing. I ate a dinner suitable for a four year old: cheap frozen pizza and chocolate milk. It's an accomplishment just to feed myself, I suppose. I did go for a walk today, and balanced my checkbook, so maybe I am being too hard on myself.

Time. It's a killer, isn't it? It either goes too fast or too slow. Speeds by when you're having a great vacation, slows down when you're waiting for something that could change your life.

I know that either way, my life is changing. It's changed already. But somehow I have this idea in my head that two weeks from now, a month from now, two months from now, will be better. I will either know more or feel differently. I guess what that says is that I am really unhappy now and I don't like what I'm feeling. I want to move past all my feelings into somewhere else.

I guess I should get as busy as possible as soon as possible. I can't be trusted to take care of myself and make good decisions with my time while I'm alone and feeling like this. Rather than accomplishing anything worthwhile, I spend too much time updating and looking at useless things on the internet.

For instance, even though I told myself I wouldn't, I went and looked at FMM's MySp@c3 profile again. Why? I don't know. I know it exists, because M used to torture himself with it. Now that I don't have M, I guess I need to find an additional way to torture myself!

It is eerie and irksome. The eerie thing is that FMM is probably a pretty cool person. From reading her MS blog and stuff, I know that we like some of the same shows, and she seems to have a funky style of her own. But just as M is upset that she left him for another guy, whom she's now living with and apparently having a great romance with-- I'm upset too. I'm upset that she is beautiful, and talented, and has a lot of interests that she excels at... and also, that she has the "successful romance"- at least the image of one. I feel like I would be embarrassed if she knew where M and I were at right now.

Rationally I know that people don't necessarily change that much unless they are motivated from within, so there is a very good chance that whatever personal issues FMM has, they could certainly pop up in her new relationship. So who knows, she could be the same unhappy, witholding, angry woman that M was married to for years and years. That is all beside the point.

But I do realize from watching my thinking, that I have shame about this whole situation. Not wanting people to know that M and I are in this weird separated place. I felt the same thing when Frank and I were separated.

My friend Opal invited me to a New Year's Day party in the evening, a simple affair that I attended last year with Don. It's always very nice with an extravagant potluck and lots of unique intellectuals. I found myself writing "no" on the evite, explaining that I wouldn't be in town that night- a lie. Because I didn't want to go without M, and have to explain where he was. Or wasn't. Ashamed that my romance has not been working out. When I saw myself doing that I asked my question "Am I doing this out of love or out of fear?" Well the answer is definitely fear. Afraid of feeling that humiliation of going alone and being in an undescribable relationship.

So I put my response back to maybe. I'm really not sure. It feels like going to parties will make me depressed, and yet I am just as depressed when I stay home. There is no easy answer. Last night I talked to Red but as of late it seems he is trying to distract me from my sadness by telling me to do stuff. My experience of doing stuff is feeling overwhelmed by sadness and finding myself swallowing my unhappiness during a party or gathering. All I can think about is finding some escape, somewhere to go where I can cry. So I'm not really sure what the best answer is for me.

What I know, is that the only thing that's going to REALLY shift things for me is to feel the depth of this pain. It really doesn't go anywhere otherwise... it doesn't go away because I go to a party. It doesn't disappear because I distract myself with work or any other aspect of life. It exists because it is there, and it is the nature of emotions to sit somewhere until you let them move.

My heart is broken. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how the man I love feels about me. I don't know what I'm going to do. And that is all very very sad. I know the sadness is there, feeling like a ton of weight on my heart. Causing a pinching in the middle of my back. I cry a little bit, but it never seems like enough. I have to cry out this extreme grief, but I can't seem to find the right time or place or person to do it at/with.

So what I know is this:

At this time, I don't trust that I can get what I want, especially in regard to relationship.

I have a great deal of shame about being in an unknown/undescribable relationship.

I have a lot of fear about being rejected.

I have a lot of sadness and grief pent up inside.

So here are my new intentions for the week:

I intend to have trust that I can manifest and have what I want.

I intend to release any shame I have around a situation that looks different. To let go of what something has to look like and stop labeling things I don't understand as failure.

I intend to accept myself with love and compassion, including the young part of me that was rejected in the past.

I intend to find the perfect situation this week in which to release my grief and sadness from my body and mind.

And that's that.

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