Dear Diary,

Another day... bright and shining...

Last night, after a couple hours of organizing receipts for taxes, I surely thought I'd be on my way to sleeping. I was listening to one of the tapes of my seminars to make me sleepy. Only right in the middle of it I started to cry; I mean SOB and weep. Cry cry cry, okay, I was thinking in the middle of it, hooray! I'm finally crying!

Weep weep weep into the night, it was kind of weird because although it felt about loss and sadness, I'm not really sure WHAT it was about and didn't actually feel like I was "connected" to all the grief and tears. Like maybe it was just emotion sitting around in my body and I'd already done all the mental process around it.

Regardless, I was glad, because that's one of the things I wished for- and apparently, it's all about "ask and you shall receive"- if you remember, a few entries back, I had the intention of working on the issue of trusting that I can get what I want, and also, to find a space this week where I could express all my emotions and let this sadness go. Well, there you go. Who knew it was going to be all by myself at 3 in the morning. Life is surprising like that.

So I was up late into the night doing that. Today I feel all right- not amazing and clear, but a little less pressure on my chest and around my heart.

LilyB told me she is doing The Artist's Way, I am not quite sure what that is but I know it involves getting up and writing "morning pages" - stream of consciousness writing as soon as you wake up. It's supposed to get you very clear, maybe you dump out all the crap in your head right in the beginning of the day and that changes everything. So I thought I would try it- you are supposed to write 3 pages of gobbleygook each day for 40 days-- so I wrote about four, but it's not a big journal.

One of the questions I came up with was, "Who would I be without my fear?" Wow what an interesting question. I have no idea and I actually couldn't write any further because I was stuck on that one. So that may be something I have to continually ask myself. I got this image of myself wrapped up in my fear like a big fur coat, that buffers me from the world. I don't even know what I look like under that coat, Diary, I really don't!

Last night I was reading online also about the Laws of Attraction, and why you shouldn't try to use them to get an ex back. The belief being that you can't use the Laws of Attraction to control people. I am aware that any magic wherein you try to force your will upon another is not healthy and is considered black magic.

I like to think about being with M but I am not sure if that is the same thing? At any rate I know that he does care about me, enough to still be connected. I know that I feel that I am still connected by some tendrils of fear, and I would like to cut those. I guess when you really love someone, it's more like a container of love that surrounds them, but not a confining or restrictive container. Rather than hoses and tentacles connected into them. So, more intentions, probably something to talk to the energy lady about on Monday.

Also today, I did two work calls, setting some things up- all before noon! Wow. That feels good. The woman that wanted me to run and present to her group, the one Red recommended, called this morning. I may have fudged my boundaries there, but the good news is, I was really noticing it. For one thing, she talked at me more than to me, and didn't really seem interested in hearing anything about my background from me. I was waiting for her to ask me about it, but she never did, and when I tried, she said, "Why don't you just email me a description of what you do so I can give it to my group, okay?" Like she didn't have time to hear it, or really any interest, and it was just about having it to give to the group and was beyond her interest.

Also, she wants to meet for coffee beforehand, which I can understand- she wants to make sure I'm not a complete and utter nut job- but that too, was a very difficult thing to arrange. This didn't work for her; that didn't work- she wanted to edge into my weekend. I finally put my foot down and said, "It will have to be tomorrow during the day or on Wednesday, or when I get back from my training next week." Then she said tomorrow might work but she has a day job and she doesn't know when she can take her lunch until the morning, so could she call me in the morning? Also would I be okay with coming downtown? Jesus Christ. This was starting to feel not worth the money.

Fine, I said. But after we hung up I'm sitting here saying what am I doing? Granted, she is giving me an opportunity to earn some money and expose some new people to my work, but now I am running all over town and she doesn't know when her lunch hour is and I've got to wait for her call and what the fuck?

Okay, I tell myself, I may have slipped there, but the good news is: 1) I was getting a sensation MUCH EARLIER THAN USUAL that something is not right with this woman's boundaries and 2) now that I know that, I can be more cautious and sure to keep my boundaries intact. Hooray for me.

And for today... I will do my meditation that is also supposed to strengthen me for the day...

I will put my walking shoes on and go for a stroll, exercise is my friend-

I have therapy at 4 o'clock... and dancing later...

So... that is all.

Love,
Duck

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