Hi Diary,

Not the busiest day ever, but fairly good. Went to the bank and put the big ol' check into my checking account. Then wondered if I'd done the right thing. Then went to therapy, where I talked about that, and my incredible fear of making mistakes. Waaah.

Then cried a lot (still in therapy, by the way) even though my therapist was trying to get me into my ANGER, all I feel is grief from when I was little. Maybe I will feel my anger later, but for now, it's sad sad sad. I couldn't believe I could cry more after waking up and crying in the middle of the night, but I could, Diary, I could!

On the way out who do I bump into but a friend of Psycho's, Frank's ex. She's also a friend of my friend Anna, who I probably have not spoken to in 3 years or so. Anyhow, had just cried my eyes out and bumped into Mariana, and we chit chatted and then I went to dance class, which was good. I find myself trying hard and focusing and concentrating and not thinking of anything but that. Therefore, I say to myself, "Self, you should do this more often," as I really need to be thinking of myself right now.

I've decided to stop using my credit cards completely, except for buying travel tickets to go to training. Hopefully, this should help my finances a bit. I am already in quite a hole, and even though I have finally accepted the few thousand dollars M gave to me, it will still not erase my debt. I owe credit card, the dentist, my mother, and a friend, not to mention a few other bits here and there I need to pay. So I will make some payments to each, and try to work harder, and also will stop buying other things on the card. I will just have to go without- I don't use it a lot, but I have bought groceries and cosmetics and things like that. Even those things will have to wait until I have cash, and I'll just have to budget better. Probably not going out to eat and what have you. Granted, I did have that computer crash, which was quite pricey. So hopefully will be able to be sensible and safe from now on.

Thus when I stopped at the store tonight, I had in my hands a box of organic salad, organic sugar free cookies, and a block of cheese. I realized I did not have enough cash on me for everything, so I had to make an important choice. I came home with the cookies and the cheese. At this rate, I won't be remaining skinny either!!

I know M came home tonight, and it's no surprise he didn't call. Is it? I need to constantly tell myself that his struggle is not about me. I just was feeling bad because Steffy was telling me about a romantic weekend she had planned for her boyfriend. But, she is planning the whole thing, complete with massage oil and candles and whatever. I'm not that envious, because I think her boyfriend is pretty much a lameass, and he has never done anything half as nice as that for her. And, I don't want a guy where I have to be the romantic one.... I want to be pursued and romanced. So I guess that's something to keep in mind.

And truthfully, I am not completely done in whatever cycle I am in either. I still have some fear, grief and anger to conquer. I have been doing my cards and the number 2 keeps coming up- ZZ told me that means something's going to happen in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months, 2 years.... who knows? Well I've already ruled out 2 days and 2 weeks because I've been seeing this number 2 for awhile... I suppose it could mean February, being the 2nd month. Will have to see.

Besides wondering what I look like under my fur coat of fear, I also thought of "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" I'm not sure of that either. The only answer is to stomp out and remove all the fear so I CAN get to what's underneath.

You know me, I'm dedicated, I'll be on that directly.

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