Dear Diary,

What to say, what to say. What is there to say?

I don't know. A restless night. I spoke with Red, who didn't seem nearly as supportive and understanding of M this time. Instead he was saying things like long distance relationships never work and he doesn't think M was ever really together enough to be in a relationship. Red has been going to these relationship classes that are based on Buddhist principles, and ever since he's coming up with all these rules and regulations about how relationships should be, why they work and don't work. It's all very fine but if I've learned anything, I've learned that relationships don't follow rules. They just don't. The classes he's taking are giving him a model for relationship, in which there are prinicples, but you can't have rules for something as complex as relationship- trust me, you'll always be disappointed.

Red actually said, "Seriously- do you know anyone that's been in a long distance relationship that worked?" Uh, yeah. I actually know plenty of people that lived separately at a distance for a while, and then eventually moved in together. Then, so he could satisfy his rules, Red asked, "Well, are you sure it was working before they moved in together or do you think it started to work when they finally did?" Uh, describe "work", and, if within that definition is "a relationship exists" then I guess it was working. Whatever. You are trying to put people into boxes, and they don't fit there.

Went to bed and then of course loneliness and unsureness sets in. I never know what to think. I thought about breaking up with M- maybe that is the right thing to do. Maybe he was never ready, who knows- like Frank- who spent the whole time being ambivalent- maybe that's been my type. The Ambivalent Type.

Ugh.

So I did some journal writing and crafted a letter to M releasing him and setting him free. It actually flowed out quite freely. I know I'm still holding on through fear, fear is clouding my judgement and I feel like I can't make any decision as long as this fear is so overwhelming! After the letter I did a little ritual with ribbons- imagining that these ribbons were the fear that M and I were connected with and I cut them. Go ahead and laugh, but it gave me a visual image of doing this. I felt much calmer after this, and was able to sleep.

Woke up this morning and did my morning pages. Worked on the same issue and envisioned a very afraid part of my brain, a little blob that can't let go of anyone, ever, and refuses to believe that it's over, that disbelieving part that is just too shocked to hear, "I don't love you," So then I started writing to this little blob in my brain and soon the blob became me as a little girl hoping against hope that somebody was going to show up for her. And I had to tell her, sorry, no one's coming, and specifically, M is not coming, and even if he did, it's not his job to take care of you anyway. And I told her that I'm the one that is here for her and that's what we'll do. Then I pretended I was holding myself as a little kid, and tried to imagine integrating this part of me just a little bit more.

This is the kind of stuff that my therapist is always trying to get me to do, but I resist her, and then I come home and do it myself. What can I tell you.

Then I got up, took a quick shower and went to meet the woman whose group I'll be running for two weeks. She did call this morning very late, and I asked her to meet me halfway instead of all the way downtown. She agreed and we met and talked for about 20 minutes. It was fine and uneventful and I got the job, so no worries.

After that I made a few phone calls but no one was around, and now I'm at home. Going to go to dance class tonight, and even though I never feel like going- trekking to the studio and whatever- my intention is to go every free night that I have... to keep my body moving and mind occupied.

I've spent much of the day imagining various scenarios of breaking up, examining my feelings and being sad. I just don't know what to do. I wish someone would give me the "right" answer but I guess it is a matter of me figuring it out myself. The Universe won't even help me in dreamland. I know I have to be careful about listening to what other people think and what "rules" they believe in-- I need to figure out the truth for myself.

I feel like the best thing for me is to keep working on myself until either 1) I am very very clear about what I want to do and/or 2) My energy changes and I find that I just don't love M anymore and/or 3) My energy changes and another opportunity presents itself and/or 4) There is some shift with M that shows me more of what I need to do.

Kind of like LilyB's theory of just continuing to reference myself and not make it about him. This journey is, after all, about me.

Yes, I could tell stories to myself about how I don't have any power, and convince myself that the powerful thing to do is XYZ. Or I can subscribe to some attachment of what this SHOULD look like. But I won't.

This is very hard, probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

By the way.

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