Dear Diary,

A full day... most of it traveling back and forth. I hardly got any sleep at all last night, as you may have noticed by my very early morning entry. Yes, I was up until about 6am. Slept for a couple of hours, then woke up, threw some things together, and went to get my energy healing. The place was over an hour away.

Once there, EnergyLady set to work clearing out all the places in my body that were holding limiting energy, including a blob, it seemed, that M left in the back of my head (according to her). And basically, she told me that what she hears from Spirit is it's not in the cards for us- that in the ways of love, I am in the master class and M is the 8th grade.

I felt really crushed, crestfallen, resistant- not wanting to believe it- part of my new intention was to listen to my own voice inside and not be affected by others- but let's face it- I have chosen men like this before. And in the end I have to let him go anyway. EnergyLady made a point of saying that the love between us was very real, but it does take more than love to make a relationship go. It takes each person doing their own work, and as far as she could feel into M, he was all locked up, pretending, and still holding on to all kinds of things from his marriage and divorce- just not ready for me, and not even trying to get there.

I do feel much better from the session, but left feeling brokenhearted. I know I tried hard, and I know he loves me as best he can. I can just be sad about it. LilyB picked me up and took me to have some soup. I told her about how sad I was that M is in the 8th grade. "I know, sweetie," she said, "This is sometimes what happens. Sometimes a soulmate is somebody that shakes you up- that's their purpose- so that you can grow into who you are meant to be. It's not about being together forever."

Sadness. I wouldn't fight against it so if there weren't a very good possibility it could be true. I got on the bus and wrote in my journal, my intentions in setting M free. I don't want to do it- I want to be mad at God for setting me up, but I understand that I co-create everything. I would like to be mad at M, but that would be like the college graduate getting mad at the 8th grader. How could I hate someone for just not being equipped?

That's what I've been doing. My disappointment in the lack of Alphie's development turned into a seething rage. My disappointment in Frank's emotional immaturity turned into disdain. Do I have to lose everyone? I really don't want to hate M like that. He really is a good person. I don't want to go into places of fear and jealousy and upset because he couldn't be like me. We all don't have the same developmental advantages.

So I wrote more intentions- that I am letting M go, for real, including all the fantasies I had about us building a future together. I intend to let go of all attachments and sense of ownership. I envision a friendship with him. I don't want to go to that place of, "it's all or nothing- either you're my lover and crazy about me, or we're enemies." That's a little insane, not to mention immature. I don't know how to do it- and fearing I can't do it alone, I asked Spirit to just do it THROUGH me- I don't want to figure it out, I just want to maintain that love connection, that which was real, and cast away any illusions that would get in the way of that.

I was able to do something similar to this with Don. Don and I never slept together, but I really liked him. I could tell he was pulling away and I got really afraid- I knew I should break up with him before I got really disappointed and resentful. Somehow, I was able to make this happen- separate from him, and maintain the friendship- he has a girlfriend now, and I never had any feelings of jealousy. I just like him (and her, actually) and don't hold onto anything about us being together in the past. I was able to keep him, enjoy him, in my life-- unlike the many disasters, crises, and tear-inducing dramas of past boyfriends, most notably Frank and Alphie.

So that is my wish for M. I will let him go, but I do want to keep him in my life. There is too much richness there to throw it all away. When I think about the "8th grade" thing, I almost want to coddle him- poor baby, he needs love (not necessarily sexual love- but just love so he can learn that he is lovable).

Of course you know I can be quite manic so who knows what I'll be writing 24 hours from now. But, this is my intention for today. I'll keep working on clearing the fear and all that from my own body and space. And I know that I'll get to that place of being okay with everything, I will.

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