Dear Diary,

Today was a tough day. Another day of not enough sleep, an upset stomach, and a headache. But you know, all part of time moving, crawling, ever so slowly....

Went to the training, which was good, but I was having a hard time paying attention due to my exhaustion and not feeling well. Grace was there and I was very brave, initiating some conversation about the actions I've taken toward Alphie. I just reiterated in for her and said it was completely about me, and I didn't have anything against either one of them, I just needed to figure things out for myself. She said she had no issue with it, but it had probably hurt Alphie's feelings a bit, but he hadn't said much to her. Then she suggested maybe that I tell him on the phone.

We had to go back to class before we could finish the conversation. At the end of the class, Grace just left, and didn't even say goodbye to me. I thought that was pretty weird, seeing as our conversation felt open and nice and just felt like we were being honest... but this is the typical Grace, I guess...

I don't know if it's me, but if I say I'm "friends" with somebody, then I do simple polite things like say hello and goodbye, and thank you when they do something nice for me. Alphie and Grace don't do those things. Also, am I supposed to feel bad that Alphie's feelings are hurt. Awww. Poor guy. Jesus. Many a time he has hurt my feelings, and I have to say well, I got some sort of smug satisfaction in that. But of course, Alphie never expressed anything to me, and Grace suggested I call to explain and make him feel better- so rather than Alphie asking questions on his own and being honest about his feelings, Grace will figure it out for him and make the request of me... and then Duck, the Overfunctioner, can worry about everyone else's feelings and do all the acrobatics to make everyone feel better.

Welcome, friends, to the world of triangular relationships.

FUCK NO. I am so over it. When I write it out like that, it feels just like growing up and how everyone else in the family was trying to figure out my mother's feelings for her and making sure she got what she wanted, but she never had to ask or do anything on her own. Whatever. Alphie and Grace are like a two-headed beast, the caretaker and the destroyer. I'll not be in a hurry to fix this situation, I don't think.

Meantime I talked to Serena about how shitty I have been feeling, and we talked about some things I could do, and even some practices I could try with my therapist.

I realize that I want to not want M anymore. I want to not care about him, because then he can't hurt me. I am trying to do everything I can think of to avoid being hurt (more). I don't know if that's necessarily possible.

I'm too tired to figure it out now. I know I can only do the best I can for myself, and keep trying to erase the fear in my life and be confident just being who I am. So that's where I'll continue to direct my laser beam.

So tired. Sleep now.

Love,
Duck

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