My Life: A haphazard affair at the moment, sometimes feeling like it's in a holding pattern, most of it devoted to personal growth at this time, deeply emotional, sometimes secretive, confusing, up in the air, moving slowly;

My Body: Uncomfortable at the moment, weird lower intestinal goings-on, which haven't bothered me since the cleanse I did in October; now seems very unhappy. Several pounds lighter, pants sliding down my hips, and all I did was stop ingesting anything with white sugar- for the most part- an occasional indulgence here or there, but very carefully- as it's a slippery slope for me;

My Mind: Makes it impossible for me to sleep, now that I've fucked myself up again this week, with one late night- between DVDs of favorite TV series (I am hooked on "Scrubs"- love it- even though I've only watched up to the second season... and even found myself enjoying "Desperate Housewives" even though I was prepared to hate it, although I've only watched the first half of the second season and already it's starting to flag) and random journaling, knitting or crocheting, reading cards, reading self-help books, I'm trying to do everything I can from keeping it dwelling on the Major Situation of My Life right now;

My Apartment: Is an abomination- books, balls of yarn, clothing, plastic bags, half-empty suitcase, papers and various crap strewn all over the place. It's been a while since I've had a visitor, much less an overnight guest- and it shows;

My Relationship: May exist or may not, I find myself wondering if M still thinks he's in a relationship- although we've talked about this before- wondering how hopeless I am, yes, obviously, he's not that into me, right now... and I'm not that into me right now, and I have been doing everything I know how with my mind (see above) to try to get myself into a different place, and I am becoming exhausted. I don't know if I'll just let go out of sheer exhaustion, as I sometimes feel... or if it will take more time and pain, does everything have to be painful? But I don't know if I'm ready to let go, and I guess I shouldn't do anything until I'm ready... really... ever? What's the point...

My Work: Is floundering, I haven't created anything new in many months; the times I have tried have been a flop- I don't know the answers, but have been trying... I just enrolled in a new newsletter program, to make everything look more professional- and yes... although I've been saying for years that I want to revamp my website, I'm really considering being serious about it... after all, what should I do with all this insomnia time?

My Friends: Are changing. For some reason I don't like two of my closest friends anymore... and I'm not exactly sure why. I think I have become tired of Gail's energy, her drama, her need to be right, her pushiness... I think it was entertaining to me at first, but now that that energy has been directed AT me one too many times, I find it exhausting, and uninteresting. I feel like she's always yelling; when we speak on the phone I have to turn the volume down halfway. I am sick of her drama-laden life in which she refuses to take any responsibility; the fact that she owes me money and has not paid me back in a year; and that she is constantly judging and defining others and putting herself on a pedestal... as for Emily... I don't know... we took a trip together and I felt like I saw too much of her... her control issues, her self-destructive behavior, her compulsion to get involved with married/engaged/taken men... with no thought for consequences... I'm not sure what else... something that repulses me;

And today AGAIN I saw this guy Leo that I used to hang out with years ago... he gave me his number and I never called him; so of course when I saw him again today I had to put his number into my phone, in front of him, with the promise to call- but the thing is, I don't WANT to call him, I don't miss him one bit- he's another one that was very into himself aside from being cheap and resistant to leaving a good tip whenever we went out to eat... even though he lives in the most fabulous house ever... I am not interested in hanging out and sharing my life with him, especially at this time... but how do you tell that to someone... "Naw, I don't think so. I think it's been fine all these years, not being in touch with each other- let's just keep it that way." Sounds almost like a Seinfeld thing...

My Libido: Is still going strong, and feeling a little lonely;

My Faith: Has been shaken, and has been put on hold.

And here I am, sleepless, with a thousand thoughts running through my brain... and no matter how much I write, or knit, or read, I am still awake, thinking random thoughts.

Like, for instance, that in the past 6 years I have dated really unbelievabley handsome men, which I find kind of amazing. I consider myself to be an average-looking girl, but for some reason I have attracted real lookers these past few years (granted, they were all kinds of incapable and kooky, but that's beside the point). I just find it curious, and maybe there is something about me that is not about my looks, that is attractive. I guess that's something to remember... I do have some kind of quality.

I'm smart, and that can be a blessing and a curse. Someone once described me as both "intimidating and endearing". This is sometimes why I feel so alone, why I hold on so tight. Why my brain goes in circles (and writes 3 entries a day, sorry...) why I fear that there won't be anyone for me... that I am difficult to be with... not because I create drama and pick fights, but because I DON'T do those things... because I make things pretty easy, I am happy and giving in relationship, and I take responsibility for myself, and then my partner is forced to look at himself, and I'm not creating any distractions to keep him from doing that, and people often don't like what they see. That's why we all spend so much time distracting ourselves with TV, drugs, food, relationships, drama, and all the rest.

My Potential: Is great, even though I forget.

Oh and P.S.

I totally forgot that Monday was the anniversary of M and my first date- didn't think about it once the whole day. Remembered yesterday, but forgot to mention it to you, Diary. And, actually, wrote this whole entry and forgot again till I'd already finished. So, there's something to be said about that- er, I'm not sure what.

Love,

Duck

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