Ok Diary,

I might be crazy. Besides the fact that I am still awake, and have once again messed up my sleep cycle... there's also the fact that I just made, uh, a rather large purchase.

I made a good chunk of cash this month, and can pay the rent no problem, and also paid sufficiently on all my bills. Still, I think there is a way I don't realistically acknowledge my debt. My credit card debt never quite seems to budge- and yes, I know I said I was going to use the money from M to pay off a significant amount, but I didn't. I paid about $500 (which barely makes a dent) and then have been spending the rest of the money on survival, therapy and an occasional dance class. Perhaps not the best policy, but really- I don't know how I'd survive without all the therapy. Not so well, I'm guessing.

So there's the credit card, but there's also my mom, and the dentist, and Emily- yes I owe her money too- although she never says anything about paying her back, but I owe her about $500.

I was in a good place, and paid off a little bit to everybody, and still had another $500 tucked away in my paypal account. I figured I could use this next month, perhaps as a credit card payment, or even towards doing more intense work with Kate, depending on the kind of cash I'd make from working.

But tonight, I spent about $400 on an audio program- one of the systems that somebody was telling Ted about last night. Apparently it teaches you to reprogram your brain, around everything- fear, anxiety, money, relationships- the works. Well, I don't know what possessed me to do it. Perhaps the fact that I am racked with anxiety and fear everyday, no matter how hard I work or how much I cry. Perhaps the fact that I don't sleep, and instead stay up all night (occasionally wondering why the man I love doesn't call me, or write me- and wondering if he does love me anymore, or what the hell is he doing with his free time- all of those thoughts- pick one). Perhaps because I am tired of feeling like life is completely out of my control, and I am living a relatively unhappy existence with a broken heart.

So I invested. It says that if I'm not satisfied, I can return it in 6 months. So we shall see. Right away I got to download part of it, and listened, and I liked what I heard. So I have some hopes. I do, after all, need some support and some help, and I can listen to the disks long after all the normal people have gone to bed.

The guy Ted was talking to had great things to say about this program- he said he'd only been doing it a couple of weeks and that he noticed a difference in his clarity and level of calm. And also that his uncle, who worked with people who have been traumatized, had found this system more beneficial than 40 years of training in psychotherapy or whatever. So... if it's money back guarantee and whatnot, I figure, what do I have to lose?

Hopefully, once the package gets here it will help me to release all these doubts about spending the money!

And really, I would just like to get to a place where I am not holding onto every single emotion that enters my field, where I am not worried about every little thing, a place where I actually like myself and where I am in my life. My ideal vision about the whole M thing is to at least be self-possessed, no matter what comes about... not to collapse and be on the verge of killing myself, like I was with the Frank fiasco.

Tried everything to get sleepy, but I suppose the best thing would be going back to "lights out" at 11 or 12. I think once I get to a certain point, my body just gets too confused, and then it's too hard to sleep. I tried reading for awhile, got this book, "How to Heal A Broken Heart in 30 Days". Again, with the idea of reprogramming: I think the book's actually written by hypnotists. So far I've read the part about how you create neural pathways in the brain, just by thinking thoughts. So one of the reasons breakups are so painful is because you thought this person was in your future, and you imagined a future. The more you imagined the future, the stronger those neural pathways got- and when the breakup happened- the differential is so powerful that it hurts tremendously. (That's my understanding).

Granted, I don't know what's going to happen, but I am guilty of creating that future with all those thoughts... and now I guess it would be best to clear those out and just start with a clean slate. Rather than feeling awful because my imagined future might be in jeopardy, to go back to being in the moment, and just not knowing- kind of like the beginning of the relationship.

I've read a couple of the exercises, and they're interesting, and perhaps beneficial. I like the idea of taking the charge away from old memories... making them a little bit duller so they don't incite pain in this moment. But I was not so hot on the exercises to increase associating the person with the unpleasant moments - that seems a little too much like making them "bad" in your mind. That might be applicable in which there's been a clear breakup, but again, we don't know anything about that here in limbo-land.

I know, sometimes it is as if this is my full-time school curriculum, just trying to be okay with myself. Thank you, Diary, for loving me even though I be neurotic.

Besides reading, I also washed the dishes, balanced my checkbook, and prepared a package to be mailed. Oh, the things you can accomplish at 4:30 in the morning.

What next? Well I may try to sleep... but I can guess that this day is pretty much shot. I won't be able to go to dance class, because I know that if I don't get enough sleep, I am more prone to injury. It is something that I've noticed about my body, and I'm just not interested in tempting fate that way.

It's my own fault... if I'd just go to bed when I should!

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