Hi Diary,

Well, was surprised today to see the new look of Diaryland. Right now I'm not liking it so much, it's darker than I am used to and also I am having trouble finding things, but I suppose I will eventually be able to get used to it.

Yesterday I went out for Steffy's birthday. Tamara came too and Emily was also back in town. We all went out for dinner. Truthfully I was feeling quite spacey and not at all well, since my period was on its way. I felt like staying home and doing nothing, but not like that's a new thing.

Dinner was mediocre, but it was good to see all the girls. Emily has been really supportive of me in regard to what I have told her about M. She insists that M has always loved me and she said she does believe that it can work out. Tamara actually apologized to me for the last time she bailed out on not showing up for me. I did tell her that I felt bad when that happened. Steffy and I had a personal conversation later, but I'll tell you more about that in a bit.

The big topic at the table at the end of the night was the issue of birth control. Emily mentioned that her period was late, and also that she used to be so regular and ever since she started having sex with Mr. Greasy (I'm terrible, aren't I? I can't resist), she has not been so regular. She actually (FINALLY) seems to be getting serious about birth control, thank God. She said her doctor gave her pills, but she doesn't want to take them. Then we all chipped in about different kinds of condoms, IUDs, diaphragms, etc.

So far Emily has been using nothing- Tamara even asked her if she got Mr. Greasy (henceforth to be known as Mr. G, just to be a little more diplomatic) to get STD tests. Emily said no, there had been no results yet, and Tamara actually threw her napkin at Emily's head. They asked me if I had done that with M- we actually hadn't gotten new tests before going out, but we did talk about it. M had been married so long, and hardly having sex anyway, and I had had several bloodtests about which I had just told him about. Tamara said that she and her boyfriend actually showed each other paperwork- she insisted because she's dating a musician. Tamara told Emily that Mr. G needs to show her written proof that he is clean.

I'm glad Tamara is on Emily's case because she has a pretty thick skull. We've talked about this several times and she continuously tells me that her form of birth control is "Mr. G not coming inside." And she doesn't seem to have any concern at all about STDs.

After the other girls left, I walked Steffy home. I told her about my conversation with M, and also about the "seeing other people" thing. Steffy said that if it was her, she would want to know why it was important to M to make that clear.

Then, just as I was leaving Steffy at her door, she said, "He didn't even call me on my birthday," meaning Matt- I went back and hugged her. She asked me what I thought about that, and we had a long conversation about her relationship. I told her that I know nobody else can tell you what to do in your relationship, but that maybe she was more in love with what she hoped Matt could be than what he actually was. She said, "I don't know, I just let little things upset me and doubt the whole relationship," I pointed out that last year on her birthday, Matt had also caused her a lot of distress. He never calls, and I remember last year Steffy hadn't even known if he was going to show up at her birthday party. Was she willing to spend the rest of her life with somebody that treated her like this on her birthday, every year? Was she willing to let her birthday be "a little thing"? I suggested that she communicate with Matt about what's important to her, and if he could make that important to him as well, there could be a chance that this relationship could improve.

I've known that Steffy has been unhappy for some time, but again, the person has to realize it for themselves. Every one of my guy friends is crazy about Steffy- she's beautiful and feminine and all that. It's depressing for me to watch Matt be so unenthusiastic about being with her, and her just twisting herself inside out.

So, Steffy has some thinking to do.

I came home, very late, and talked to Red. I told him about speaking with M, all the great things that we said to each other, and also about my concern about his last add-on to the conversation. I asked him what he thought about M's last comment, and he said the first thing that came to him was that M was giving me that space because he was worried that he might take a long time to heal. So kind of my first thought. Maybe we are right. Maybe that is HIS way of setting me free, letting go... opening up. Maybe, quite possibly, we both love each other so much that we are trying our best to let go because our love and caring for each other comes above all else.

Pretty impressive.

At any rate, I was thinking about going to a lecture today on healing dysfunctional family patterns, but I didn't make it. The usual suspects- not enough sleep and slight cramps. I suppose I could have gone but I am trying to be more committed to not overdoing stuff physically when I have my period. So far, I think I am doing okay and I actually seem to physically feel better most of the time, not quite so sick.

So I am just taking it easy today, and going to visit Chandra in an hour or so. I'm just going to relax, and I guess see what the day brings.

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