Dear Diary,

I'm glad I went to Don's birthday party last night. I met up with Red and in we went- it was crowded, there was a live band with great music, and I danced with several guys. I even told some of my friends (finally) that M and I were quits. It seems I'm able to say it now without feeling so much shame and hurt.

I didn't want to stay out too late, since I had to work today. But still I have felt a bit off since I didn't get to sleep till after 3am. LilyB had talked about getting together tonight, but as usual she did not call. I know her life is a mess and she's always running around, but I guess I don't want to do all the communicating either. I suppose she just forgot about us connecting, because I haven't heard from her at all.

I'm glad I worked today but now I am tired. Red wants to go see a friend of his sing in bar, but I don't know if I'm up for it. I have a little bit of a headache. I think I'm going to take a hot bath and see if it helps.

Oh. Also, I left a message for M, to please call me back, because I wanted to tell him something. I phrased it this way so he would know I didn't want to ASK him something, which I think usually stresses him out- if he knows a woman is going to ask him something, he feels pressured to say yes to whatever the request is. I just want to tell him about my decision- to let him go, and let go of any expectation of us ever being together. I feel it's important for me to tell him this. Last time we spoke he mentioned something about "seduction" and I'm wondering if he thinks I would try to seduce him while we are together, try to convince him that we have to start going out again- and I want to reassure him that my intention is to let go, and not do that.

I just wish for us to have a nice parting, with no stress- to have it as pleasant as it can be. And I know M is really hard on himself, and concerned about overextending himself to other people, as that is one of his bad habits. As long as he's like this, it's even hard for us to be friends- because I don't know where his boundaries are and neither does he, and then the chances of him just doing whatever and regretting it later are very high.

This sucks, but.... what to do?

And, I have a date.

Crazy, yes?

In one way it is, because it's like the decision to let go of M is a new one. But on the other hand, I have not seen him in the flesh in about 4.5 months, and in that span I have only spoken to him on the phone a handful of times. So I'm not sure... we were together about 9 months, and they say it takes half the time you were going out to get over someone... and I'm not sure if the time we have been separated counts as getting over time, or if it kicks in after you officially look at each other and say, "Let's break up." Who knows?

Oh, but back to the point. HotClient (hereforwith to be known as HC) and I have emailed back and forth about meeting for a drink, and I say him online and IM'd him a couple of days ago, telling him I'd be working near his office on Wednesday. He suggested dinner, so that's what we're going to do.

Now Diary, I really don't know if I'm ready. I know HC was the only guy I found attractive the whole time M and I were dating. I just know that I have been alone for awhile now- and yes, kind of waiting but also working really hard on myself. Now I feel a sense of peace and I guess the only way I'll really know if I'm ready to see other people is if I actually have a little date. Maybe I'll be looking at him the whole time and missing M, who knows. Maybe it will make me really happy or maybe really depressed! There's only one way to find out. I just know that sitting at home isn't doing it for me- and that I haven't been numbing myself out or distracting myself from these feelings very much- I've been working through them. So with the same kind of consciousness, I'm gonna have dinner with a beautiful man.

Now, I actually do feel kind of guilty. Not so much about the date- but, about this decision of letting M go. I am sad about it, that is definite. But I also feel a sense of peace, not so devastated as I used to be when I thought about the ramifications of setting him free. I ask myself, shouldn't I feel worse? I am so used to feeling shitty. But that's just the thing- I've felt shitty since he tearfully left my apartment that day in October. Maybe I am getting better?

Let's hope so.

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