Hi Diary,

Well M called today at a rather unexpected time. I took the pains to explain to him what I wanted to, only I regret that I didn't sound so strong- many fits and starts, and some emotion in my voice. I managed to explain, that yes, I finally got it, and my intention was to let go of any expectation of us being together.

M's response? "Well, yeah."

Kind of like, no duh. What I realized later was, he has been building up to this way before me. This is way it is hard to be the person who has been "left".

Let me tell you why. The "Leaver" may have been planning his leaving for quite a while- he becomes aware of possibilities and alternate futures, and plays around with them in his brain. Thus building actual neural pathways supporting his decision to leave. Then, he goes.

Meanwhile, the "Left" doesn't see any of this coming and is blindsided. She has been building neural pathways, dreams, consistent with making a future with this person- she imagines them living together, with kids, or oh the places they'll go, the things that they'll do.... and then, when the Leaver leaves, she is devastated, and can barely handle the fact that he's gone, because she's so entrenched in these fantasies that she has built up over time. They are so real to her that they feel like the truth.

So, this whole time, a lot of my energy has been tied up in wanting M back, wondering what he's doing, imagining scenarios of us, trying to figure it out, and also TRYING to let go... and when I told him this today, it felt like he was already there... like he had BEAT me to the finish line.

Pia Mellody talks about this in codependence as a "better than, less than" dynamic in relationships.

Suddenly, I felt less than. M sounded so strong, and so excited for his future, so excited to be free- I had been saying I wanted this for him all along, but to hear him- I suddenly felt sad and angry that he no longer needed me.

Because in our relationship I had a job. My job was nurturer, comforter, consoler, supporter. M was always doubting himself, judging himself, worrying and fretting. I was needed.

Now, he sounds strong, and I realize how much I hate his independence. Perhaps I chose him, in the beginning, because he was so broken- after a long marriage and a terrible divorce, he needed someone to be nice to him, to dress his wounds, to tell him he was a good lover and a good man- to reassure him that he was worthy. He had fallen down so I built a pedestal for him.

Now he's standing strong on that pedestal all by himself in a hero's pose, and here I am on the bottom, feeling bereft and forgotten. For all my words of support, I hate his separateness and I hate his freedom. I hate the fact that he could be without me.

This used to come up sometimes with us, but I could never put my finger on it. Sometimes M would hang out with his friend Mikey, smoke dope and go see bands or play music or whatever. Even though we lived 2 hours apart, I would hate those nights, because M wouldn't call me when he was out. I never knew where he was- or what he was doing. I loved him when he was home alone, confused and neurotic, unsure of himself.

Maybe, I have guarded myself against this all along. I am just as bad as him. I hate his freedom because I hate my own- my own does not feel like freedom, it feels like loneliness, like death. Like the bottomless pit of separateness that I have felt my whole life. Perhaps I have been wishing for fusion as well- kidding myself with the illusion of my own independence, when in the back of my mind, he was there like a safety net.

I just don't know, perhaps, how to be in a relationship. I am used to being the smart one, the evolved one, the strong one and the nurturing one. Now my job has been taken away- do I also fear that he will surpass me? Maybe. That he will have the life I can't make for myself? That I could only make the life that I wanted if he was by my side?

I don't know. But it's an interesting thing to look at.

Perhaps, despite my moments of peace, I have still not healed what I need to. Perhaps I am worse off than I imagined. Perhaps there is a part of me that never wanted M to succeed, because then I wouldn't have a job.

It makes me rather anxious to think this way. That maybe I really don't know who I am, either.

We made arrangements to see each other. Now I am just feeling shitty about it. I thought about giving him many gifts, things that I bought on my EVG, when everything was truly up in the air, etc - now I don't want to give him anything. I am filled with such anger, such disappointmetn- apparently I will only feel kindness toward him when he is racked with guilt. Then, I can comfort and assure him that he should not feel that way. But God forbid he actually lose the guilt!

Maybe I'm just a big fraud. Who am I, anyway?

I told him that if we were truly separating, we should probably return each other's stuff. M is not in a hurry to do that, but he knows that there is a charge around this kind of thing for me. I have been broken up with, left so many times, that I cannot count how many times all my belongings have been put in a bag or a box and handed back to me. It is a dreadful, dreadful thing. M, of course, doesn't have any charge around this because it has never happened to him. His ex packed up her stuff and left, and he had the house.

I told M what would be really nice for me was if he would just leave everything where it was, and I could get it for myself when I came to see him. He said he would be happy to do that for me, and he wasn't even in a big hurry to settle things up this way.

I don't know. Why DOESN'T he want my stuff out? That seems pretty weird as well. He's letting me go, but he wants to look at my shampoo in the shower and my shoes in his closet? Maybe he really is in a place where he is just trusting everything, and thinks we will have a great and casual friendship. I don't know. He said he is not in a hurry to have his things returned as he knows we will be in connection.

At this point, I'm so disgusted with him (but really MORE SO with myself) that I can't figure that out.

He did thank me for giving him space. He said that no one in his life has ever given him the kind of space and support that I have. He mentioned that a couple of times I had asked him about what he thought of me, or some issues that I had (I don't actually recall this). But that he hadn't even been able to respond- because he had such a hard time being with himself, that he couldn't see me.

What do you know. I chose a man with so many problems, who I could take care of and be the strong one for- and he couldn't even accurately see me. Think there's a chance that I didn't want to be seen?

And he said, that he believes this journey that he's going on- will be good for us, for the relationship that we have. Maybe he meant that he could be a better friend for me, more supportive, actually there to see me?

When I think about it, I always had to console and support Frank emotionally too. While I was dating The Prick and then Alphie, I was the one who was "Less Than" and could only lend partial support. Maybe I see everything as black and white. Maybe I can't conceive a partnership as a unity of equals.

Maybe it's time for M to teach me something.

Maybe I'm learning it right now.

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