Dear Diary,

Hello. What do you want to talk about?

Hmm.

Well, class with Serena was very interesting. Call me a nerd, but I LOVE learning! I just had a moment of absolute joy sitting there with my notebook and pen, learning a new subject. I get so excited about everything and how I can apply it to my own life.

I guess that's one of the things I love about myself. I meet plenty of people who are not much interested in learning anything new- they are content to sit at home, watch TV, go out drinking in bars and annihilate brain cells, or do some other similar thing. But I love to learn. I feel like this says something about me- that I am alive, and curious, and always growing...

After class, I went to visit Russell. We hung out a bit- he made me dinner, and we spent a lot of time talking. I told him about my situation with M, which I had never really expressed the full story about before... he was very supportive and loving... then I slept over... it was interesting because we slept in the same bed. It felt very comfortable, loving, intimate- but not necessarily sexual. Russell feels very safe to me. It was nice to share a bed with him. Sometimes our bodies would touch- a shoulder or a foot against a leg- and it was just comfortable, nice and reassuring that someone was there. Really nice, after 5 months of sleeping alone.

This morning I had my "soul reading" as well. I am not sure if I'm ready to write about all of that- suffice it to say it was interesting, reassuring and gives me faith that I am on the right path. Maybe, I'll devote an entry to that when I am not so tired. Let me just say that I am doing the right thing for myself, and I need to love myself more. M and I definitely do have an intense connection and she verified that within the reading, saying, "If he was a minor character or a person that was bad for you, only a small part of this reading would be about him, I'd tell you what you needed to learn from him, and then tell you who was coming next. Right now, I don't get any sense of another man coming in- that doesn't mean it can't happen, because things change all the time. But this is a MAJOR connection, and right now you are both doing the work you need to do. You need to love yourself and heal your abandonment and feelings of non-belongingness. He needs to go out in the world and have his own experiences so he can become who he needs to become."

So, who knows? At least I feel like I know the work I need to do. It is not so important to find another man right now to fill any space. Right now, I need to figure out what makes me my happiest, what makes me my best. I think I would like to try something like horseback riding, and maybe start dancing again every week. The lady told me I need to laugh a lot more and bring joy back into my being. I agree.

After that call Russell took me out to breakfast. We both ordered the same- french toast, eggs, bacon, sausage and hash browns. We talked about the shows and movies we liked. Then we hugged and kissed goodbye and I was on my way to Nia and Lee's.

It was really nice to find some comfort and care in such a loving man like Russell. I guess you could say he is a little like M in that he does have a very sensitive aspect to him- although at the same time he is very much blocked off from a lot of his feelings- yet, he also ADMITS that- so he has a sense of authenticity about him that makes him feel safe. When Alphie first introduced us, he was hoping that Russell and I would really hit it off and fall in love. Although there was a degree of attraction, Russell admitted that I scared him- just my depth of emotion and intelligence, he thought it would demand for him to be a different kind of man- one who really would have to experience his emotions on a whole different level, and he admitted that he wasn't ready for that. That's what I like about Russell- he's just honest. Unlike Alphie. Interesting that the two of them could be friends for so long.

Now, I am tired. Just gonna curl up and read my book (more learning!) and stay warm.

Feeling grateful.

Love,
Duck

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