Dear Diary,

Yes, there might be something wrong when a young woman such as myself comes home at 5pm on a Saturday and looks forward to putting on her pajamas.

I admit, I've fallen into some bad habits...

But I tried today, Diary, I really tried. I was supposed to work all day but one of my clients was sick and canceled last minute. I did go out to lunch for a very healthy salad (sigh) - that does fulfill my requirements of fruit for breakfast and salad for lunch.

I was glad for reasonably nice weather as I am so fucking sick of my heavy winter coat. Really. I have been feeling incredibly (both) enraged and exhausted about having to wear so much clothing. I did wear a winter coat today, but the lighter one. And the sun was shining. It really feels like spring is on it's way. It can't come too soon. I think I need some sunshine.

Then I wandered around trying to think of something to do. Something I would enjoy. That would make me happy. I even imagined my inner child and said, "Inner Child, what would make you happy?" And it wasn't like either one of us could think of a thing. The things that she DID think of (horseback riding, the circus) are not immediately available and will take some planning. The things I wanted to do (go home and put on my pajamas) did not at all interest her.

So I suggested some kind of art project. What if we went and bought some feathers for the art project I thought of? Okay, she agreed. But then I couldn't remember where the store was. Or the name of it. So we didn't get any feathers.

And I'm here in my pajamas.

Ugh!

I'm reading the book, "Women Men Love/Women Men Leave" and so far it's pretty interesting. Points out a lot of ways that women give from a place of insecurity rather than love- and men sense that and feel overwhelmed. I definitely see myself in that picture. I realized I was even tempted to give to M even now- when he doesn't call me, etc.- by making him a CD to give to him. Forget it. I've decided I'm just giving him back the couple of things that he left at my house- but I'm not making him any gifts, giving him the CD, or even the gifts I bought for him on my EVG. Just forget it.

Sure, I have quite a bit of anger. I need to work it out. I know it's not all about him. I liken the situation to me having just moved out of the house with my parents, and in with my friends (about 10 years ago). Right after I got settled in and found a place to work, another friend in a different city called, said she found an apartment and I could come live with her and work in the store she worked at. Even though I didn't quite know what I was doing in the place I was in, I had a feeling that's where I was supposed to be. She tried to convince me otherwise- really, it would have fit her fantasy of a great idea, rather than mine.

That's how I see that my anger at M is not justified. I can think of all kinds of reasons why we should be together, but it's no use trying to convince him of my agenda. He has a right to do whatever, even if he doesn't know what he's doing.

Although this may sound incredibly rational to you, I have to say it to myself sometimes because this childlike urge to be upset really takes over; takes it as complete rejection of who I am. And that's not what it's about. My child brain just seems to have real difficulty processing the fact that it's OKAY for somebody to be separate from me, and have different needs. And that this in itself is not a rejection of ME personally. You see?

Other news: Alphie is up to something, and I think I know what it is. Inez said that he texted her with a "Hi! How are you?!" This can only mean one thing: he's planning on coming to town, and probably looking for work/places to stay. He knows better than to ask me for help. I know that Ben and Marie are planning to come here in June. I have sponsored Alphie a couple times here, and all the people he met are a result of knowing me- he never considered any kind of monetary reparation or referral, I guess he thought that being Alphie should have been enough of a gift for me. Whatever. He is so transparent. He only contacts people when he needs something, so it will be interesting to see how well he does... I'm not helping him, and I know he's not organized enough to keep everyone's numbers. That's fine- he can hang out with Aleda, who, I hope, is out of my life for good as well! They can bad-mouth me together!

Now... I don't know. I guess I'll read more of my book, watch some DVDs... I don't feel that I have the energy to do much of anything else. Hopefully my appointment on Monday will help to move my energy around a bit and help me to feel lighter. Right now whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I just feel that I look haggard.

I might end up canceling this meeting with M after all. Maybe I'm just not ready? What would ready look like? Maybe being so nervous is a sign that it's important? I'm not sure.

Love,
Duck

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