#2

Well just got a message and the training is canceled for tonight... and I have no problem with that. We are going to pick it up tomorrow, and I'm excited about having the night off!

Since you, my Diary, seem to be my best friend at this point, I'm letting you know first. Plus, my phone bill was 50% more than usual because I ran out of minutes last month. I am convinced the phone company is full of shit as far as this counting minutes thing. The other day I checked my minutes- then made two phone calls under 5 minutes each. When I checked my minutes again, the record said I had used 25 minutes. That's just impossible... I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to rounding off the minute, but there's just no way I used that much time. Ever since that bill I've been VERY conscious of when I am using the phone and for how long. I've been waiting till my evening minutes kick in to make most every call.... so what the fuck? These companies are a racket like everything else. Is there a possibility I could find one that DOESN'T lie?

And now I'm unsure as to what to do with my newfound freedom. I put my shoes on to go for a walk, but then found myself venting a whole bunch of rage about Louie, who is saying that he sent me a certain amount of clients and that I should pay him a commission. He's unbelievable because he makes all these decisions and then doesn't take responsibility for them, he lies, and has a very convenient, selective memory... it's enraging and crazy-making to me.

I asked my new friend Drew for his opinion and he said he felt like there was a part of me that was just "addicted to the struggle" of being in any kind of relationship with Louie. I really thought I had it with him but I was hearing a lot of feedback from people that he had really calmed down and gotten much better. When Drew said that I could see that it was true... much like I had been "addicted" to Alphie and being upset all the time, and even how I am addicted to M and feeling bad about myself. In a moment of clarity I could just see all this and realized there is really no problem unless I make it one. I normally do give commissions so I just wrote Louie, and, ignoring all his crazy whining and accusations and attempts to rile me, focused on the issue and told him what my commission policy is. If he doesn't like it, well, too bad. I had to fight my desire to contradict all his lies, but I know that he won't/can't hear that anyway, he will never accept any responsibility, and that's just the way it goes with him.

It's interesting when I see it in these terms, like Louie and I grabbing onto opposite ends of a rope and we are both pulling and fighting. But if I just let go of the rope and say, "here's what I'm willing to do, here's what I'm not." - and I refuse to pick up the rope again no matter how much he dangles it in front of me and taunts me, etc, well, that is that. I've set a boundary (my commission policy, which he can bitch about but I'm not going to change it) and he can take it or leave it. By not responding to his accusations, I refuse to engage in any fighting and there's no charge around it for me anymore. And probably not for him- he probably gets big kicks around making people upset, whether he realizes it or not. So he can go find someone else to torture.

So... what to do with my Friday afternoon? I guess I'll go outside, and maybe water my plant, and see about getting some affairs in order....

Later.
Duck

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