Dear Diary,

I guess I'm feeling unsupported. That's what they say when you hurt your lower back (which has stopped spasming but is very sore today...). And yes, I can definitely say that I have felt pretty isolated, and when I do reach out I feel misunderstood. It might be my own doing, because maybe I just don't choose the right people to reach out to.

Gail finally called me back and left a message that she was kind of in a "quiet space". Okay. I don't take it personally because I know if she had a problem with me, she would just tell me. Inez finally called back too. So maybe I will be able to talk to them. Although I see LilyB and Evelina as being a bit more sympathetic... but LilyB and I have talked twice in the past few months. Both times she was in a hectic situation and said she would call me back later- and she didn't. She has two teenage sons and I think one of them has been getting into a lot of trouble. Plus she tends to spread herself too thin overall so, I know it's hard for her to be connected.

Ugh. I don't want to sound like a big complainer. I guess instead of complaining how I feel unsupported and using examples of how people let me down, I need to focus on asking for help. And to do that, I need to know what I need. So let's start with that.

First of all, I need to rid myself of all these overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger so I can just get clear. That's what my therapist is for, but now all this transference stuff is coming up for us and I get all locked up. So, I might just need someone I can talk to who can be supportive. Who would be the best person to ask? Again, LilyB or Evelina come to mind... so I might need to find out when either one of them has some time to spend with me and I can just talk to them.

I also need to do my end and release my anger at my pillows like I've been taught... I just wish I could make myself cry!

And I need to clean my house. I've already talked to Steffy about maybe her coming over to keep me company while I clean. But I also know that she just moved into her new apartment, and she has so much to do. So I might ask B to come over. Just for company, he doesn't have to do anything.

I need to organize my work schedule, but that's all me... I need to figure out the details of the fast I am doing this week... and that's my job too. I think I'm going to start tomorrow, then I'll be ready to go back to the gym next week. Maybe cleansing and detoxing will make me feel more clear mentally... I seem to remember when I did it in the fall I felt very calm and pretty clear. It would be a relief to feel that way again.

Now, I don't know. I had this dream where I was trying to save people, to get them on a boat to safety, but they wouldn't get on. They were just arguing with me or fiddling around doing what they thought was important, not realizing the danger they were in. What do you think that means?

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