Dear Diary,

Surprise, surprise, didn't do anything today. I'm not sure, but I might be getting worse. I turned the ringer off and didn't even bother opening my email. It's a holiday weekend anyway. Big deal.

I did go out for a walk. I know I am rather despondent. My normal half hour walk took about 45 minutes. Or more. I'm not sure. I guess it was good for me to be outside. I feel like my heart cavity has been scooped out. It's a weird feeling. I was thinking that we always believe we will be happy if we just get what we want. But sometimes, more often than not, we get what we ask for and we're still not happy. And how it's really about just being happy inside, no matter what comes or goes. And how that applies to me. Sometimes I think I would be happy if this person came back into my life, but honestly, would I really? No. Wouldn't. I'm pretty sure...

So I remind myself again and again that M is not the solution to my problem. I have already heard so many times that what he is doing now is not about me, not about rejecting me as a person. But the thing that is broken in me chooses to view it that way. Because this situation now obviously resonates with some old beliefs inside of me that I am unloveable. And okay, now that I know that, what do I do? I have to just keep reminding myself that that is what I am healing here. Although I have no idea exactly how to do it.

I am really hungry, by the way. Today I have been obsessed with butter... really I am tempted to go and lick a stick of butter from the refrigerator. Everytime I see food on TV I am obsessed with what people are eating and I want what they have- cookies, chips, whatever I see! And also in any books I read. But most of all, I long for butter. Yesterday I was obsessing about these mushroom and cheese quesadillas in this restaurant Emily and I went to several weeks ago. I am going to have to track them down once again. Although I know from experience that once I have not eaten for five days I will be longing to primarily eat fresh vegetables. Good for me.

Till then, I will be dreaming of food and feeling like my tongue is covered in carpet. It's all part of the detoxing experience.

Love,
Duck

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