Dear Diary,

Hello again. I think I slept about 10.5 hours (went to bed at midnight! or so)- woke up near 4am and also 9:30ish, but forced myself back to sleep. Had a dream that I was taking care of a newborn infant, and suddenly there was a beaver-type rodent in the house that turned into a big dog (like a German Shepherd). He turned out to be friendly and just wanted me to throw a ball for him, but in the beginning all my protector-type hackles were up.

I forced myself to get up but honestly I feel like I could go back to bed and sleep all day. That might make falling asleep difficult though... so I'm up. I don't know what I am going to do today. Part of me thought about being social yesterday, but I'm not sure how I really feel about that. It might make me tired. Amber invited me over to dinner, but I'm not eating until Wednesday. I don't even know if I want to go visit anyone.

I know I should work. The tickets I wanted to buy have increased I guess because I was hemming and hawing about buying them. I suppose sooner is better than later.

Who cares anyway. It's just more money, and maybe I'll be in debt for the rest of my life. What can they do to me? I tend not to overspend on useless items- this is all for education, so it's a write-off... I suppose at some point I'll be able to take all this education and do something worthwhile with it... great now I sound like my father...

This morning I was meditating on trust. And how I don't seem to have any. I just remembered that all during my previous trainings, Ben and Alphie would treat me like an idiot and like I had to loosen up around the whole polyamory thing. Even Marie once asked me point-blank if my relationship with Don got sexual, which was a weird and impolite question, when you think about it. I guess they all think I'm frigid. What they don't seem to realize is they're a bunch of energetic slobs who sleep around, so on top of the matter of STDs and whatnot, they are not very appealing- kind of using people for sex. And I'm not into that but it doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person. On the contrary, when I'm in a committed relationship with someone I want to have sex with them every day...

But, I digress. The issue of trust. I don't have much trust in people. And when I do find someone I can trust... I put a lot into that. Maybe too much. And I seem to trust what is familiar, not what is safe. I confuse familiarity with safety. Meaning, I pick the same kind of person, the same kind of pattern over and over again "oh if I love this person the right way then he will love me and then I will be safe". But the fact is that what is familiar to me has NEVER been safe. I did not have a foundation of loving acceptance as a child- not ever- so my familiar is NOT safe. And then I get hurt. Which makes it harder and harder to trust the next time. And I still haven't learned what safety is so I continue to make bad choices.

Although I'm pretty pissed because I really felt like I got duped on this last one. M adamantly pursued me, he would say things like, "My heart is enthralled with you," and that he loved to talk to me because of the way that I think and express myself. And then somewhere in there he pulled away- maybe when I started to trust him and that felt too overwhelming?

At any rate, sometimes it feels like a big trick, like someone got me to love them and took it all away... and as you know mostly I blame the Universe for sending me someone who was so not ready to do what he thought he wanted to do. Keith says that M's job was to reflect to me and bring to the surface every scrap of self-loathing I have for myself... well it seems that this is true... mission accomplished. I still wallow in this mire of judgment and struggle with myself on a daily basis. That's why it's been so hard to let go- rather than being able to say, too bad, that was my neurotic fucked-up boyfriend that can't love anyone because he doesn't love himself and it's got nothing to do with me- I say, once again, what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he call me? What can I do to make it better?

Like I mentioned in yesterday's entry, a form of abandoning myself- focusing on how I can get HIM to feel differently and what needs to change about me to accomplish that. Never just being okay with being exactly how I am. Sometimes I have moments of being okay with me and thinking, "What, is he crazy? I'm so fucking cool!" But they are few and far between. So I guess the work for me is to make those moments occur more and more often.

Hmm. As you know I don't know how to "do" any of this. The best I can do is to just keep on trying to get clear- "take out the trash in my mind" and be here and now and love myself (even that, like I said yesterday, sounds kind of boring and unappealing. poor Duck!)

But I guess if it wasn't difficult, it wouldn't be worth doing.

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