Well, Diary,

It is easy for me to feel stressed. I am doing a whole bunch of new presentations this week, and I suppose I'm feeling a little unprepared. This morning, after once again struggling with sleep (probably didn't fall asleep until well after four), I awoke and found myself stressing about Saturday and Sunday, and not feeling like I am prepared enough or that I don't have enough material and it's just going to be horrible...

Not to mention the numerous phone calls this morning with people who are not really prepared to talk on the phone... don't have the information, one person's calling me while I'm on the phone with another, etc etc.

Sometimes I think, "If I could just get through today..."

I feel my life used to be easier when I had someone in my life, loving me, as what some of the books referred to as a "background object". Which means when you are in a relationship with someone, and they are not in your life every minute of every day, but remembering they are there really makes you feel good in your life, even when you are stressed.

I so loved my daily phone calls and/or texts from M... I would look forward to them and they would put a smile on my face during the day.

I am having such a hard time moving on. I feel like I have untangled a lot of the stuff from childhood and now I do not feel so desperate, like I can't live without him... instead I just feel sad. The heartache. It's different because there is not the drama that has been around it before. I guess I am settling into the genuine feeling of the person and the moment. It takes awhile to get over someone.

Even though I have been doing a lot of work, and getting messages that there will be someone out there for me to share my life with, times can still be confusing. I was telling Keith that it doesn't make much sense. Basically like I have to think about making this choice: there is a man, my beloved, waiting for me right now, just spinning, waiting to be set free and put into motion towards me. In less than a month I could have someone in my life, in my bed, holding me and adoring me...

But it's not M. And that's the hard part. Rationally the question is, what's to think about? You want love, love is ready? Just jump from this trapeze to the next one. It's right there. But my heart does not want to let go. No matter how unrealistic or silly or anything like that. And it is not about the drama of the unrequited love or the needing to have someone who doesn't want me, I feel... I feel like it is genuine love for this person who touched me so deeply. I told Keith it doesn't make sense because I can have what I want, but I can't seem to let go of what won't give me what I want. He said that's the thing about the heart- it doesn't make sense. Hardly ever.

And I might just be full of stress, tired... people keep complaining to me about their life situations... maybe it is my error that I think they are asking for advice... I swear I told my friend to read this book 4 or 5 times when she brings the same problem up again and again... the book PINPOINTS her problem... but apparently she doesn't want to change herself, she wants the situation to change without her doing anything. I know I am being judgmental now and why should anyone have to change because I want them to... well I guess I want her to stop complaining to me... so why does it bother me when someone else is stuck... because it reminds me of my own stuckness? Lord knows I have been stuck. Yes, I have. But then I feel that life is unfair because I am reading and doing and trying to change and I am still stuck... whatever... I am just comparing and I don't know where my irritation and anger begin but they are definitely my problem. Bleh!

I have decided not to send Delia the letter. I will just see how it is to go visit her in a month. Thanks to girlkisses and anthronut for responding though.

I still have the lump in my breast but my period is not quite over... so maybe it will still go away. I don't know what the protocol is but I'm thinking to wait till the next cycle. I'm sure stress won't help anything.

And I guess it's just a matter of moving forward and getting through today.

Love,
Duck

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