Dear Diary,

I am a bit bummed. I do a terrible thing to myself.

M has a "type" of woman that he is very attracted to. Don't we all? Anyway, this type, of course, looks nothing like me.

When I see these women now, I vacillate between extreme depression and anger. Depression about being me, I guess, not feeling pretty enough or interesting enough... anger at him for leaving, anger at myself for not being that "type".

Even though when he left, it was really not about seeing other women- it was about his own unhappiness and lack of knowledge about himself. But I seem to use this knowledge of his "type" to beat myself up.

I will never, ever, ever... not even with plastic surgery and skin bleaching and whatever else... look like these women. Not in this lifetime.

M's ex-wife, FMM, was THE TYPE. However, it didn't bring him happiness. It's not enough just to be really gorgeous- you have to find a suitable personality too. M and I used to laugh because we both had our "types"- him with FMM and me with Alphie- and they were huge disappointments. If anything, M and I truly have chemistry.

And, that's another confusing thing to me- how could he walk away from such great chemistry?

I already know the answers. I know when I start asking questions like, "How could he leave me? Why doesn't he love me? Why can't he do XYZ?", it means I am abandoning myself and focusing on him. I have to turn it around and say, "I am worthy of love and I'm not leaving myself. I'm staying right here and loving myself and taking care of myself. I want love and a partnership where I am cared about."

I also know that the more one loves M, the more he hates himself. He feels like a phony most of the time because he doesn't even know himself. As weird as that sounds, that's his deal. And I am just made to love somebody. I'm really good at it. I have done enough personal work to be clear in myself and be very accepting of people and just love them. Now my task is to turn that energy to myself, to be accepting and loving of myself.

I don't know why I get so angry. I guess I start to feel like I've been given a bum deal- I get a guy who I've been waiting for, whom I have great chemistry with, but can't be with me?

But... I have to take my responsibility for my part. Maybe I was expecting somebody to come along and love me so much so I wouldn't have to learn how to love myself. But apparently the Universe was not going to let me get away with that.

And chemistry... maybe M has to go out and find out what not-chemistry feels like. Although even if he found all that out, I still feel like he would never really be able to be in the relationship that I want. And that makes me really sad.

And it makes me really sad that this whole thing didn't work out. And I guess getting upset about "the type" is another way for me to beat myself up and convince that so much of this is my fault- my child-like thinking that if I loved him enough, if I was pretty enough, if I could do everything perfectly... it would have worked out.

In truth, M could go out and date and sleep with 1,000 women of his type and he might even find one he had great chemistry with, but he would still be afraid to let someone love him. He would still freak out and think the grass was greener on the other side. He would still have meltdowns and not be able to be there, for anyone. His leaving was about himself and his own problems, not about me.

That's what I have to remember. What about me? I'm a beautiful talented woman in my own way. I'm very intelligent and I'm on a path of discovery. I am responsible for myself and working on how to be responsible for my own happiness, which is a huge thing. Any man that is with me is a lucky man. Really.

Therefore, I am lucky to have me. I'm lucky to be myself. I'm lucky to live here, in my body. I have been very courageous in my travels.

Last night I talked to Nick on the phone. If you remember, he was living with his "friend" and then they weren't dating but living together and she was seeing someone else and he was devastated. Well he told me yesterday that he kicked her out of the apartment, went out and met someone else, the most gorgeous woman he's ever met. And he told me, "Don't give up, that was just little love you had. Because if it was big love, it would have stayed. But big love is on it's way!"

I hope so.

[previous] [next]