Dear Diary,

A very slow day... I was winding down when Red called. He was visiting Albert who basically lives in my neighborhood, and invited me out to meet them. Even though I felt like crap, I agreed- because really, what better do I have to do?

So I jumped in the shower, a little makeup and a little dress and I walked over to meet them. I was still feeling plenty nauseous so didn't eat anything, but basically watched them eat. Afterward we went over and hung out in Albert's house for a little while. I lay on the couch and Albert read us our profiles from "The Big Book of Birthdays". Although I didn't really feel my profile really applied to me, when Albert put the book down and went and looked up M's birth date right away... it seemed pretty accurate! It said that people with that birthday have difficult lives... and also, they instigate relationships they can't carry out. This fits perfectly with M, as he was so gung ho about hooking up with me, and then as time went on, he fizzled out.

I also tried to look up Paul, but Red said we had to go and Albert wanted to go to sleep. So I had to go but from what I started reading about him I got that he is very much in his head and concerned with money and power. That seems to fit.

Going home, I started really bumming out about what that book said... wondering if everything M starts is destined to fail. But then I told myself to stop being silly, that the Universe is full of unlimited possibilities as far as the ways people can change... I mean, look at me- would I want to read in a book a particular description of me and then believe I was fated to be that way forever just because someone wrote it in a book? No. I am still uniquely myself... and I am going to change this abandonment pattern. So, I said to myself, which is bigger, The Big Book of Birthdays or the Great Big Unlimited Universe?

Afterward I stopped at the store, and bought two candy bars. And came home and ate them. Why bother to lie in a Diary? I know sugar is the reason I feel so terrible. I even made and effort and made a really amazing fresh salad for lunch. I hate feeling out of control. I do.

Maybe this is something I can work on with Kate, as the eating must be connected to the anxiety.

Paul didn't call today... and tonight I thought about calling him. But I guess that's just from loneliness, and that's not fair. I feel like I really need to get myself together emotionally. I didn't know if calling Paul would be considered leading him on... I guess if I tell him my true feelings, and he still wants to hang out, then I won't have to worry about sending mixed signals.

Somehow I thought that as I got older my romantic life would get easier. Why did I think that?

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