Dear Diary,

Up early and to see Kate. We are working on my underlying feelings of anxiety, emotional eating as a way to self-soothe, as well as many fine points about my obsessing about M. I'm realizing that everything I worry about with him is really just a doorway that shows me some part of myself where I am really not loving or accepting of myself.

Because my appointment was so early, of course I didn't sleep much at all. I thought about stopping by my wax place and seeing if they could take me, but I was tired and wanted to go home. Plus, my wax lady has gotten more expensive. Last time I went, of course they wait till the end of the appointment to tell you the price has gone up YET AGAIN- it's ridiculous and I really don't feel like paying that much for waxing, especially when I have to go more often than some people. Evi told me she has a great wax lady that is half the price, so I guess I'm going to switch, even if it is across town... it will save me some dollars, which is always important. I am not excited at all about switching since I like my lady and the connection we have, but... there is only so much I can afford on these types of things, and then it starts getting ridiculous.

Anyway I came home and got right in bed with the intention of taking an hour nap. Only when my alarm went off I hit the snooze button a bunch of times, because I was still so tired. Finally I had to put on a DVD because I felt like I could sleep the whole day and I needed something to wake me up... and that's one of the ways I can wake myself up even when I'm exhausted. I had several dreams because I woke up so much, I know one seemed especially poignant but I have forgotten it completely. There was another which seems important where I was trying to lean against a woman because I wanted to feel loving support- no doubt a dream connected to all the child/mother work I was doing. Also in that dream there were cakes in glass cases, and I was enthusiastically expounding to this woman how much I loved it when the frosting of the cake got smooshed up against the glass. I don't have any particular affinity for this in real life, but I did enjoy it in the dream.

What the dream dictionary says about cake and frosting:

"To see a cake in your dream, indicates that you need to learn to share and allocate your workload instead of trying to do everything yourself. Cakes also symbolize selfishness or the feeling of not getting your fair share. More positively, the dream may represent your accomplishments and achievements."

"To see or taste frosting in your dream, represents the results of your creativity and/or hard work. You have renewed confidence and self-assurance. New opportunities are now opened to you."

So, all can be looked at in a very positive light.

Whew, I am still so tired.... Because I obviously feel that I don't have ENOUGH to do, I told Red that I am going to redecorate his apartment. In truth I have never found his apartment that appealing, it is a definite bachelor pad with no sense of style- Lord knows he tried- but he has no eye for design and it is a mishmash of furniture styles and lamps, and his curtains are horrendous. I know Red wants a girlfriend and I am willing to bet that his feng shui isn't helping him any. So sitting there the other day I told him he needs a little color in his place... his apartment is one big room but I figure we could paint the "bedroom area" with some color and spice it up a bit... as well as toss out those heinous curtains and in general get things a bit more uniform in the whole place. Red of course feels completely confused about what needs to happen but trusts me implicitly; he also has no handcraft skills so doesn't know anything about scraping or spackling; he is also lazy and doesn't want to do any of the hard work, but said he would pay me if it comes down to it. Okay then, fine, we are going to do it. If I can't find the love of my life right now, at least I can help my best friend find his. But man, if I were a woman that was interested in him romantically, I would NOT want to be hanging out in that place... so his next girlfriend should thank me.

Also Paul intimated that he would be coming by my work tonight... although I am really not that into him, there is something nice about knowing somebody wants to see me, and the excitement I get from putting on a pretty dress and having someone take me out. If that sounds amazingly shallow, I apologize, but it's been a long hard fall, winter, spring and summer... if no one's noticed otherwise. So, I'm not quite sure. Maybe it is just as casual for him, or maybe this is as good as it gets with him, cause he's wound a little tight. I'm not sure. So maybe tonight will shed some light on what is actually going on here... it obviously all seems very casual, and I'm thinking of acknowledging that just so there's an understanding that I don't expect this relationship to go anywhere, but I'm fine with fooling around a little bit. I'm wondering if Paul took offense to me returning his text very late the day he wrote that he couldn't get me out of his mind; in truth I was quite sick but didn't actually want to say, "Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I was in bed with a fever and nausea, writhing with cramps." You know? Not something you want to mention to a man you don't know that well...

At any rate, there are other things to be done. I have another appointment with Kate tomorrow morning. I just want to hammer out whatever I can as soon as I can, since I am tired of being in hell, and tired of obsessing and mostly, feeling less than. I am willing to do the work for that to happen. I would like nothing more than to feel nothing- neutral- about the whole of last year and these last few months. Above all, I just want peace and to be happy in myself. It may feel like too much to ask, but if so, I'll die trying. I know this situation is not about what it looks like on the surface. I know it is about feelings that I don't even have words for.

As I mentioned before, I would obsess about every guy that ever left me. I know now that I project my "lost parts" onto my partner, putting them on a pedestal and mourning the loss of them because I have repressed my own unhappiness at how I have lost myself. So, okay, if M is the window into all those repressed feelings, I am jumping through that window. I just don't want to feel so crazy anymore.

I'm working tonight, and tomorrow there are some dance classes I'd like to take... it is a full week and then training, seeing Petra and Michael, and more training... I have not even told Paul I am going away, but he doesn't really make any plans ahead of time... also I know that he is partying this weekend on both Friday and Saturday... so, another way in which we don't match up. I guess he is saving up his energy, literally, for drinking on the weekends with his friends. Yes, he is eight years younger than me. Yes, this is the way M (who is older than me) was acting last time I spoke to him. In the words of my mother, "Little boys don't grow up. They just get bigger."

So whatever all these little boys do, I am dedicated to learning to love myself, because I know that is going to get me somewhere- I'm not sure where- but it must be somewhere better, right?

Love,
Duck

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