Sometimes, I can tell a really good story, and come off looking really well, about how I had to set M free and that is the thing to do when you love somebody. But often times I am much smaller than that, in the way I think, what I long for. I am still in touch with my childlike desires for magic, for it to get all better, like a fairy tale.

How many times do our hearts have to get broken before we acknowledge that other people are indeed themselves, and not who we want and convince ourselves we "need" them to be. How many times until we stop being disappointed? How many times until we just accept that nope, life is not fair, and actually nobody ever said it was. I do not know.

There is part of me that fiercely hangs on, not wanting to let go. At times I feel quite insane. How can my life, which at one time or another must have been my own, now feel so fragile, so tenuous? How can my own stability be completely wrecked, knocked off center when I see a woman he would probably like to sleep with... when I think about our imagined future... when I miss him at night....

What exactly is wrong with me and how can I fix it?

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