Dear Diary,

Spent Friday evening with Red... we went out to dinner and a movie. We joke around that most people think we are dating, but are the most unaffectionate couple ever. We stopped into my friend's shop, and I bought a necklace. It is beautiful, but probably not the wisest expense at this time... seeing as how I balanced my checkbook with my bank statements, and discovered that I had TRULY messed up... not only did I record my stimulus check as being deposited twice, but I also neglected to record the almost $400 check I wrote to my credit card company, thus making my current balance a negative $43. So I had to shift money around and take out of my meager savings to balance everything. My friend gave me a substantial discount on the jewelry, but it was money spent nonetheless.

Yesterday morning I was incredibly pleased because I dreamt about my grandmother. She has been dead for twelve years, and when she comes into my dreams I consider it a genuine visit and show of love from her to me.

In this dream my grandmother lived in a beautiful big house with grand gardens. Not only that, but it was right by the ocean. There was some sort of sexual component for me, and I was finding myself sexually aroused as I was looking out the window and the rolling, magnificent waves.

Then cut to a scene of me hugging my grandmother, and telling her how grateful I was for her in my life, how much I loved her.

When I woke, I felt so happy to have seen her again. I took the ocean waters to represent healing, perhaps something about sexual healing. And my grandmother being there... I guess was a show that I am supported and she loves me.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house at all due to cramps. Just watched a lot of DVDs, took a bath, and tried to get through the day. It was a little better than I expected, but still took quite a bit of pain medication.

This morning I had a dream that I met a man... in the dream he looked quite a bit like John Heder... he was kind and attentive and I met his parents... overall it was a nice dream. He was from Canada. There were more details, but I can't quite remember them now.

Last night I went and re-submitted my profile online. Even though most of the men do not appeal to me, some of them look okay. Even though I still feel connected and in love with M, I am determined to let some men take me out. I guess it's expected that I will hate everyone I go out with for quite some time, until I get that comparison thing out of my system. I remember dating after Frank and boy did I hate it with a passion. I've already had one response from someone, he's divorced and has kids and a dog. Maybe I'll be just as lackluster with him as I feel with Paul, and get all of this out of the way.

Love,
Duck

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