Well it looks like yesterday's first entry did go through, so it was interesting to read that one and the revised one after it. I decided to keep them both.

There has to be a better solution to these panic attacks... severe ones today. I woke up very early... knowing better than to go to bed so late last night. But after work a bunch of people went out. I had finally just made some money, and wasn't even really hungry, and they all decided to go to a fairly expensive restaurant. That's the kind of thing that will get me in trouble, financially.

And I was miffed with the assistant I chose, because at the end of the night he was not helping me pack up my presentation but rather hobnobbing and talking with every person that passed. I must have told him four times to get going on this and that while he was chatting away. Finally when everyone had scattered, I told him straight out that if he wants to assist me, then packing up should be his first priority when I say so. And he can talk at the same time but he needs to keep moving, otherwise he is not part of my solution but rather part of my problem. Really, what's the point of having an assistant when you have to be on top of them every minute, making sure they're doing what you asked them to do?

He thanked me for being clear and that was that. But I am usually so non-confrontational and this felt like a fairly big thing for me, so afterwards I kept trying to feel his energy out and see if maybe he was miffed. But he didn't seem so. Huh. It might actually be okay to tell people what you want, and be clear, and they actually respect you for it! That would be something.

So afterwards he and a couple of colleagues and I went to this place to eat. I stayed out later than I should of, considering my early morning appointment with Kate today. But of course I got up and made it... it was rather a big topic today... somehow we uncovered all these feelings about my dad being disappointed that I wasn't a boy, and how that hooks into rejection and shame for me. Wow that's pretty huge! Kinda hard to love yourself or let someone love you when at the very core of your being you feel embarrassed for being female... dang.

Afterward I came home, bought a few groceries and deposited the majority of the remaining money from last night right into the bank. Lest I do something foolish... it has to go in there to pay the check to Serena, and also the dentist. I didn't pay either one of those, convincing them both that I would send checks later. It's pretty scary living on nothing... borrowing and promising to pay later.

So I set to work, and made two calls to people that owe me money. I never do this, but I flat-out asked them to make payments on their voicemails, informing them of exactly how much they owe. I need it. NOW. I am a very accomodating person, too accomodating for the most part which I'm sure you are aware of if you read me at all... but now things are serious people. I also made two appointments for the weekend, so that is that.

Oddly enough the tooth the dentist worked on yesterday does not hurt at all, but the place in the back gum, where they inserted the needle (twice) into the nerve is still very painful and sore. Just a little reminder for me to brush my teeth nice and gentle. Hasn't prevented me from continuing to eat sugar though. I want to get back in a good space financially so I can work with Kate on my anxiety and emotional eating. It is definitely not only connected to my self-sabotage but also my poor self image. At the moment I am just kicking myself for making some bad financial choices (and mistakes) in the past month and I'm hoping it won't take too long to catch up.... I guess that all depends on me, though!

So B is coming over to take me to dinner. I plan to order enough food to have leftovers. That's where my brain is at this moment. Survival. Plan ahead. Be frugal.

Dangit.

I was so anxious and at least was able to get out for a walk. It doesn't calm me completely but it does allow for some energy to move so I guess that's good. I came home and attacked the mound of dishes in the sink, and the bathroom because I can see it's all getting out of hand again. My house was so clean when I arrived home less than a week ago, but I have a habit of making it chaotic pretty fast!

Really almost every day I can't wait to take my great new sleeping pills and go to sleep. So I can just be lost to the world and not have to participate so much.

I suppose that's not a very good attitude.

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