Last night I cried and cried from a very deep place, so I'm hoping that will help me shift my life.

It was several hours after therapy, where I just felt numb, and mostly we just talked about me hating myself. Therapist divides the room into sections, and then I stand in the different places and speak from there. So, the part of me that always feels confused and like I will make a mistake, the part of me that hates myself because I feel weak and needy, and the part of me that knows better.

The whole thing is really quite exhausting, but maybe things are working on a very subtle level because I was able to let go last night. I just got to a place where I felt like I was going to stop protecting myself from pain, and just feel it. It seems like so much of my energy has gone into trying to prevent pain- when the pain has already happened. It really doesn't work. And truthfully, there's no way to love someone and be completely protected anyway. That's what love is.

At any rate, today I am missing M quite a bit, but that's just how it is. I have to make sure I can miss him without feeling dimished as a person... I think I'm pretty much there. I have been better about recognizing my habits in the way that I think... when I start to feel hopeless, lost, and incomplete, I can recognize it and tell myself, "Hopelessness is part of my pattern," that makes me realize it is actually a habit to feel hopeless, and somehow I can pull myself together in some form and feel a little differently about it.

I am tired, I am hoping I am changing- even if other people can't see it, even if I can't see it... I must be changing, right?

Love,
Duck

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