Dear Diary,

Okay I am trying to be better about updating. Last year at about this time was when I started writing really seriously again. Also, it's about this time when I started therapy. So it's my one-year anniversary, have I really gotten anywhere?

In a way I feel slightly relieved about M. I feel a sense of divine timing, knowing that M is going through a lot of shit right now and he is just not ready. I know he may never be ready. But, as terrible as this may sound, I feel better knowing that he is not happy without me. That feels so anti-love, because I am supposed to say that I love him and I want him to be happy. But I guess the bottom line is that I want to feel loved, so it is selfish.

So in the last few days I have established that I am all of the following:

1. Selfish
2. Greedy
3. Needy
4. Empty
5. Starving (more emotionally than physically)

Oh sure, we know I'm nice, and loving, and I try to be in integrity and do the right thing, all that good stuff... that is all true, but these other things are true too. I guess right now, I'm just looking at all the unpleasant things about myself, and owning those too.

Ugh.

I was supposed to meet Evelina today, but I rescheduled with her for tomorrow. I was just feeling like crap, my sleep schedule is all off again, and I need to get on the ball. I have started to put my work schedule back together again, and I feel like I can finally get on my feet.

And now I feel like I can take some time before I have to "do" anything about the man I am in love with... I can just love him and continue to work on myself and if I do that, somebody will come into my life at the right time whether it's him or someone else. I feel a little less anxious about it all, and that's big for me.

Another day. And I will be all right.

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