Dear Diary,

Am feeling a little resistant to writing as of late. Was writing daily, but now I notice one or two days go by and... nothing. Sometimes I open up the page but feel like I haven't much to say.

In this coming week, on Wednesday as a matter of fact, it will be a full year since the man I was so convinced was meant to be in my life walked out the door... and I have not seen him since, in a whole year. Wow. I was looking at photos of us today, and even a couple of videos I took with my digital camera. I start to think that I really don't know him anymore. Who is that person? Do I love him? I don't know. There's definitely part of me- is it my brain or my heart, I don't know- that is convinced I am in love with him. But when I watch those videos, I can't quite get a grasp on it.

So I don't know. I had a massive anxiety attack and ate far too much pastry for one human being to consume in one day. Seriously, bad. I used some techniques my colleague taught me, feeling some anxiety and tapping on certain points of the body. On the whole I can feel the anxiety lessening, but it didn't stop me from bingeing away.

Last night I worked- and Elliot showed up. I was on my way to have dinner with B, Marva, Bethany, and Howard- so I just invited him along. First off I could tell that Elliot was attracted to Marva right away, which is not unusual- she's cute. But he started saying flirtatious things right away. Then when we all sat at the table, he chose to sit next to Marva and not to me.... I thought it was strange that he was making this big play for me for the last couple of weeks, but immediately just gravitated toward Marva whether I was in the room or not... believe me it did not go unnoticed, and I actually put it into my "another reason not to date Elliot" list!

Marva actually changed seats to sit next to Howard, because those two are constantly flirting and playing and driving the rest of us crazy, so we usually make the two of them sit together. So Elliot was once again next to me and proceeded to flirt a little, and blatantly eat the food off my plate without asking. The rest of us get really silly when we go out and usually tell a lot of jokes and laugh and laugh. Elliot hardly laughs and seems a little uptight. Put that on the list.

Marva and I went to the restroom together and she told me that it took her forever but she had suddenly realized that Elliot was the guy I had told her about- she apologized for "cock-blocking"- sitting between us, but in actuality I had noticed that HE had chosen his own seat, so, no big deal. She asked me how I was feeling about the whole thing, and I basically just said the same. Which is true. A young, polyamorous guy, who still lives with his ex-girlfriend, doesn't ask me about myself, and can't even keep his eyes on me when we're in the same room. Gee, what a great catch- where do I sign up?

B called me today and said that he knows I made my decision already about this guy, but he just wanted to put his two cents in and say that he thinks Elliot's way too serious to hang out with us! Marva said she doesn't even think he's very sexy.

Anyhow. I realize today how lonely I am, how much grief I have in my heart, and no it's not all about M... it seems much deeper and older.

That's about all I can say about that...

I think I still love him. I think.

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